Wedding gift etiquette strains friendships, family ties

Having followed this practice for years, the 30-year-old from Hanoi found a social media post by a friend who recently married complaining about a monetary gift he considered too small. The amount "did not even cover the cost of the banquet," he said.

Though he did not mention her by name, Loan immediately knew the post was about her.

"When I got married, he gave me VND300,000 (US$12.07)," she says. "So, I gave him the same amount in return. Why is he upset?"

His argument was that with each person’s meal costing at least VND500,000, guests should be more considerate to ensure the newlyweds do not have to end up covering the shortfall.

"What’s the right amount to give as a wedding gift?" is a subject that often generates heated debates on social media.

There is one section that believes the gift should at least cover the cost of the wedding dinner of around VND500,000 in Hanoi now. While more generous gifts are always welcome, guests should at least give enough so that the hosts are not left out of pocket.

Others argue that wedding gifts should be given freely and without worrying the cost of the banquet since weddings are not business transactions, and the idea of calculating costs and inflation does not belong in such a joyful occasion. Those who are overly concerned with whether they will financially benefit should not host weddings, they contend.

"The purpose of a wedding is for people to come together and bless the couple, not for it to become a fundraising event," one social media user named Tuan Tu said.

Newlyweds receiving a red envelop from guests. Illustration photo by Pexels

In 2016 Bao Ngoc, 32, of Hai Duong Province gifted her cousin one mace of gold for her wedding, worth around VND3.5 million at the time. Ngoc assumed that, when her own wedding came, she would receive a similar gift.

But when Ngoc got married in August this year, she was shocked to find VND3.5 million in cash in the envelope from her cousin. She thinks her cousin took one look at the then price of gold, which had shot up to VND8 million, and decided it would result in a big financial loss to gift it.

Ngoc believes that wedding gifts should be reciprocal and is tantamount to repaying a loan.

"What was borrowed should be repaid in kind," she says, reckoning that her cousin should have given her a mace of gold regardless of the price.

"If she was struggling financially, she could have explained the situation."

Anthropologist Nguyen Hung Vi of the Vietnam National University believes that wedding gifts are a cherished part of Vietnamese tradition, symbolizing mutual support. They may have evolved from being household items like pots and thermos flasks during the subsidy period to cash in more times, he says, but the underlying purpose remains the same: blessings and helping the newlyweds make a start to their life together.

Following her friend’s complaint, Loan broke off with him, believing that wedding gifts should be given voluntarily, much like the tradition of giving lucky money during Lunar New Year. She says wedding gifts are not an investment, and people should not expect financial returns.

"Wedding gifts are not savings accounts that earn interest," she adds.

Meanwhile, Ngoc remains upset with her cousin and has refused to speak to her since the wedding despite the latter’s attempts to reconnect.

To avoid unnecessary tension over wedding gifts, anthropologist Nguyen Anh Hong, a former lecturer at the Academy of Journalism and Communication, says people shouldn’t overthink when giving or receiving them.

Guests should consider their relationship with the couple and their own financial situation when deciding whether to attend and how much to give, and couples should host a meaningful, intimate wedding that strengthens connections with family and friends without placing financial pressure on guests, she says.

"Most importantly, don’t turn your wedding into a business opportunity, where relationships are measured by the amount of gift money," she advises.

This philosophy is shared by Thuy Duong, 27, of HCMC, who believes that wedding gifts should be based on the closeness of the relationship, not on "market rates."

She adds that when she attends weddings she gives a cash gift to offer her blessings and contribute to the celebration without expecting anything in return when she marries.

Tuan Hung of northern Nam Dinh province, concurring, says he cared more about the number of people who attend his wedding to celebrate with him than how much money they gave.

"I didn’t want my wedding to be an opportunity for making money," he says. "The value of a gift is the love and goodwill it represents."