My father-in-law asks to borrow my childbirth savings

I grew up in a large farming family in a poor rural area, yet my parents worked hard to provide a full education for their children. My father was patriarchal, and we were poor, so my childhood was tough. Our family wasn’t happy, which instilled in me the mindset to overcome difficulties and the belief in education as a path to escape poverty. Fortunately, I now have a good job and a side consulting business. Because of growing up in an unhappy environment and my parents’ preference for sons over daughters, I always wanted to build a happy, joyful family with my husband, and I put in a lot of effort during the early days of our marriage.

However, family issues have emerged in the past two years, and I now find myself in a difficult situation. My husband is the eldest sibling, with a married younger sister and a younger brother who is still a student. His parents are not a happy couple either—both have had affairs and children from those relationships, something I only learned later as they often spoke ill of each other. Because of this, I limit my contact with them.

My husband and I saved and took out a loan to buy a small house in the city where we work. A few months later, I gave birth to our first child, which put financial strain on us, and we could no longer send as much money to my husband’s family as before.

At the same time, my relationship with my in-laws worsened. Although I am a thoughtful person, my mother-in-law frequently says hurtful things, causing us to drift apart. For instance, she criticized my newborn for not resembling anyone in her family, even though it had only been a week since the baby’s birth. She warned me to be careful or risk being abandoned by my husband, and she expressed disappointment that I had a C-section, complaining about the expense, even though my husband and I covered the costs ourselves. She also criticized me for drinking milk during pregnancy and compared me to herself when she was pregnant.

A week after I gave birth, she visited. I asked her to lie down on the bed with the baby since my husband was at work all day, but she chose to lie on the living room sofa and look at her phone instead. When my husband returned in the evening, she spent five minutes in the bedroom with the baby before heading back out.

Also, after cooking lunch, she ate first, then went to the living room, telling me: "I’ve had lunch, you can eat on your own." I had a difficult birth and needed an emergency C-section, so I was in a lot of pain, yet I still had to care for the baby. All I wanted was for her to bond with the baby and watch over them while I quickly ate or showered.

During the two days she stayed with us, several issues arose. She badmouthed us to the neighbors, speaking loudly enough for me to hear, which was very embarrassing. I politely suggested she not speak that way again. In the past, she often made hurtful remarks, and although I asked my husband to address them, he refused, telling me not to mind her. Incidents like these have gradually made me feel more distant from her.

My father-in-law’s business is struggling, but he’s stubborn and won’t take advice. He often borrows money from others and sometimes doesn’t repay them. After our wedding, he asked my husband to have me lend him money. My husband refused, as he wasn’t employed at the time, and the money was mine, earned through hard work. When my father-in-law couldn’t convince my husband, he called me. To avoid upsetting him, I negotiated with my husband to lend him the money by selling the gold gifts from our wedding.

This time, despite knowing we were in debt from buying a house and I was nearing my due date, my father-in-law still asked to borrow more money. I was heartbroken when he asked just before I gave birth. Most recently, he couldn’t pay the interest on a loan my husband and I had taken out for him, and my husband wanted to borrow from a financial company to cover it. I refused and had to borrow from relatives to help my father-in-law. To this day, he hasn’t paid it back.

The loan we took for my father-in-law was nearly VND 1 billion (US$40,250) to buy a vehicle for his business. Looking back, I wish I had been more firm in refusing. At the time, I told my husband we shouldn’t take out the loan, but because he was caught in the middle, I gave in. Now, it will take us four to five more years to pay off the debt, and it feels like a heavy burden that haunts me every day.

On top of that, my father-in-law sometimes calls me when he’s drunk and says things like: "As the eldest daughter-in-law, you have responsibilities. If your brother-in-law gets into trouble, I’ll hold you accountable." He also reminds me that they raised my husband and provided him an education, so we must take responsibility for his younger siblings.

These remarks upset me, but I stay silent, listen, and go to bed. Raising a child means nurturing and teaching them, not spoiling them like my in-laws did with my husband’s younger brother, then blaming me for his mistakes.

My husband and his younger brother often argue over various issues, which causes them to stay angry at each other. On the night I had the C-section, my husband and I rushed to the hospital with the car full of our things. After the surgery, I told him to call our parents to inform them that everything was okay.

Yet, my mother-in-law didn’t send any encouragement. She only called my husband three days later, asking whether we had come home, so she could arrive. My own mother was surprised when she heard that, wondering why it took three days for my in-laws to call and only ask if we were home, without inquiring about my health or the baby’s. I reassured her by lying, saying my mother-in-law had called earlier.

When we first married, my father-in-law told me he saw me as a daughter, not just a daughter-in-law. Back then, I believed him, but now I realize that blood relations are different from relationships with in-laws.

My husband helps with household chores, but he doesn’t have much ambition and only earns an average income. He dedicates weekends to relaxing and doesn’t worry much, preferring to handle problems as they come.

I truly wanted a happy family with my in-laws, hoping to have a place to retreat to, but the many issues have caused my feelings towards them to grow cold. Now, I don’t want much contact or involvement with them. However, I know it’s not realistic to avoid them entirely, as we’ll visit during holidays or they might come to see us. Still, I can’t force myself to be cheerful like before, especially with the painful memories. My in-laws also criticize me for not being caring enough.

I wonder if I need professional help for my mental health. What should I do?