Wedding for parents: When the big day is not about the young couple

The 33-year-olds had planned their wedding in Vietnam in 2021 but the Covid-19 lockdown put paid to it. In early 2024, when they brought their two-year-old daughter to Vietnam for Lunar New Year, their parents brought up the subject of having a wedding ceremony.

At first Trang demurred because of the long distance and difficulty in getting time off from work. The two have been away for years, and most of their friends were in Germany. Financially too they were not in a comfortable position, and a wedding would eat up a part of their savings, she feared.

But her mother disagreed, saying a wedding was necessary for Trang and her husband to be accepted by relatives and neighbors, their parents not to be criticized as stingy and the couple themselves not to be seen as disadvantaged.

The wedding was scheduled for early April this year. Having already taken time off from work for Tet, the couple could only get three days for the trip to Vietnam. Trang's parents took care of all the wedding arrangements.

The wedding was scheduled for early April this year. Having already taken time off from work for Tet, the couple could only get three days for the trip to Vietnam. Trang's parents took care of all the wedding arrangements.

On their wedding day, just five hours after landing, Trang and her husband were escorted to the reception hall to greet 200 guests. She knew few of them except their relatives since most were friends and business partners of her parents.

Later the same afternoon they traveled from Hanoi to the northern province of Hung Yen for a second ceremony at the groom's family home before heading back to the airport the following morning.

Many believe that a wedding is essential for the couple to gain acknowledgment from their family and community. Illustrative photo by Pexels

Duc Duy, 29, of District 3, HCMC, wanted to have a small and intimate wedding ceremony with only close people present. He thought inviting many guests would be exhausting and unnecessary.

"I don't like the 'forced smiles' of the groom and bride greeting guests who do not even know the couple," the tech engineer says. He also believes that weddings should not be seen as an opportunity for parents to "recoup" gifts and money they had given at weddings in the past.

But his parents agreed with none of this, saying a small wedding would be an embarrassment in front of his in-laws and they had to get back the significant monetary gifts they gave at the hundreds of weddings they had attended.

The wedding was held at the end of 2023. Out of 300 guests who came, only around 30 were his friends and colleagues and the rest were his parents’. Some guests had not been in touch for years, and he even mixed up some names while toasting.

During the wedding season the topic of "wedding for family honor" gained serious attention on social media. Opinions were divided, with some agreeing that "attending a wedding is a mutual obligation, and those who invited you before must be invited in return." Others said weddings were about the couple and not an occasion for parents to get back money they had gifted or worry about their children being disadvantaged.

Discussing traditional weddings, Hanoi anthropologist Dr. Nguyen Anh Hong says despite their complicated nature, the formalities and ceremonies they entail are mainly intended to foster warmth and sincerity, allowing guests to personally congratulate the bride and groom.

"The rituals in today's wedding have been simplified and become more focused on optics." Many prioritize the scope of the event over the joy and intimacy it should bring, she says.

Psychologist Nguyen Thi Dao Luu says another reason for this is materialism, with some people considering weddings as commercial opportunities and measuring relationships by monetary gifts. This causes financial pressure and stress during the preparation and organization of a wedding. For guests, it can be uncomfortable, giving them the feeling of paying for an overpriced meal with little connection with the hosts.

A survey by VnExpress on what kind of wedding people prefer to attend found 47% of respondents opting for simple weddings withclose friends and family while 21.6% valued thoughtful hosting and seating arrangements.

For Thien Trang, organizing the wedding to satisfy her parents forced her to take unpaid leave and spend VND60 million (US$2,400) on plane tickets. The wedding gifts only covered the banquet cost and not a dong of the travel expenses.

She had felt like a puppet at her own wedding, requiring to be present, following her parents' orders and greeting unfamiliar guests but feeling out of place.

When preparing for their son's wedding, Duy's parents felt they were arranging a second wedding for themselves.

Aside from sending invitations to meet old obligations, they had to manage the banquet costs and hoped to have some surplus for the couple. But the wedding gifts were disappointing and left the elderly couple significantly out of pocket, which even affected their health.

Duy's mother says: "If we had known, we would have just held a small gathering with family. Holding a large ceremony is expensive and exhausting."

Luu suggests that people should not focus on the financial aspects of a wedding but on ensuring an intimate celebration that strengthens family bonds and avoids putting pressure on guests.

Open discussions and mutual agreement about the ceremony's scale are also essential since weddings' primary purpose is to spread happiness, she adds.

Understanding her daughter's dislike for a large and lavish wedding, Thanh Khue from Hai Phong only invited 60 people, including close relatives and friends.

The 55-year-old woman said her family supported the idea of a simple wedding. Hosting a large event would have required careful planning and stressful banquet arrangements. It might also cost them considerable time to deliver invitations in person.

"A wedding is the couple's own business. Any parent's only wish is for their children to live happily ever after," Khue said.