My mother-in-law criticizes us for giving gold wedding gift to my husband’s cousin

My husband, the middle child and favored by his mother, comes from a family that originated in central Vietnam. After our marriage, we established our lives in the South. His mother, known for being challenging not only towards his father but also towards her daughters-in-law, has been a complex figure in our family dynamics. Thankfully, since we live separately and don’t have to financially support my in-laws, conflicts have been minimal.

The root of the current issue lies in a feud between my mother-in-law and my husband’s uncle, which has led her to sever ties and avoid any family gatherings at his home despite their proximity. Meanwhile, my husband’s uncle and his wife maintain their visits to my parents-in-law’s home, acting as if no discord exists.

The situation escalated when the youngest son of my husband’s uncle had his wedding in my husband’s hometown, with additional celebrations planned in the South. When discussing wedding gifts, my husband mentioned that his siblings maintain a tradition of giving half a mace of gold to one another on wedding days. Though we had our wedding in the South and missed out on receiving similar gifts, I supported this idea, seeing it as a way to uphold my husband’s respect within the family, given it was affordable for us.

We arranged for the gold to be bought by the wife of my husband’s elder brother and asked my parents-in-law to present it at the wedding on our behalf since we could only attend the southern celebration. Believing it unnecessary to inform his parents about the gift, my husband considered it a decision we could independently make.

However, the day before the wedding, my mother-in-law confronted us over the phone, upset that we had purchased the gold without her input, especially since our cousin had given VND1 million (US$39.5), which she considered a modest cash gift, at our wedding. Caught off guard, I explained that the decision was made jointly with my husband. This led to her scolding and a subsequent abrupt end to the conversation, leaving me bewildered. She also questioned our financial judgment given our plans to contribute additional cash at the southern celebration.

After informing my husband of the exchange, he too acknowledged his mother’s difficult nature, which was exacerbated by her grievances towards his uncle. He took the initiative to address the issue with his parents, but this only resulted in a heated argument with his mother.

At our cousin’s southern wedding, we maintained decorum by presenting a VND1 million monetary gift. Since then, communication between my mother-in-law and my husband has ceased, though I continue to check on her. Caught between their strained relationship, I am unsure how to navigate this familial discord, which stems from accusations of wastefulness on one side and claims of undue control on the other.

What are your thoughts on my story? How should I manage this situation?