My husband and children don’t want my mother moving in with us

My mother has two children, my sister and me, both of us married for 10 years. My sister, her husband, and their children live with our mother, while I live with my husband separately, although I visit my mother every weekend.

Our family back home isn’t wealthy, but we have a stable life with land for farming and raising livestock. We’re not in poverty, as my parents have saved a few hundred million dong (VND100 million equals US$3,956), and the land they farm could sell for a few billion dong.

My parents started with very little, and while my mother’s health has always been weak, she managed household chores while my father took on all the farming and income responsibilities. Over the years, my father has become extremely frugal, almost stingy, preferring to save rather than spend on anything. Since my mother didn’t work, she was financially dependent on my father. When I was young, I often saw my parents argue and even fight over money.

The only thing my father was willing to invest in was my sister’s and my education, which allowed us both to attend prestigious universities. After graduating, we both found stable jobs with decent incomes. My sister earns less than I do, and although her husband is hardworking, he suffered business losses and took on debt. Currently, he’s focused on repaying his debts and doesn’t have savings to support his family.

Five years ago, my sister and I pooled our savings and borrowed money to renovate our parents’ home, making it more comfortable. However, my mother constantly complains that our house doesn’t compare to our relatives’ homes, saying it lacks beauty and luxury.

My sister, who works a modest office job and has two school-aged children, doesn’t have much to spare. Recently, she had to borrow VND100 million to cover money my father lost after being deceived by friends, using her house as collateral. My mother often blames my sister’s financial struggles on her, comparing her unfavorably to other relatives. After family gatherings, my mother often returns home embarrassed, scolding or even telling my sister to leave.

I’ve advised my sister many times to move out, but she worries that our mother is fragile. At home, my mother refuses to cook, spending most of her time lying in bed on her phone. My sister fears that if she leaves, no one will care for our mother’s meals, and over time, her health could deteriorate again. She was one hospitalized for an extended period in the past due to similar issues.

As for my husband and me, our jobs require us to work day and night shifts. Our two children are still young, and since first grade, they’ve had to stay home alone whenever both of us work. My mother has never offered to help. Even when one of my kids was sick, and I couldn’t take time off work, she only stayed for a day before saying she wanted to leave, claiming that seeing my husband’s face ruins her appetite.

I don’t try to defend my husband, but he’s a quiet person and, on the positive side, very generous with money. Despite our own debts, he’s never been stingy with my family. He’s willing to buy a new motorbike or expensive phone as gifts for my parents. When my parents’ house was under renovation, we gave my mother our savings, but it wasn’t enough. My husband willingly asked his company to lend him his salary early to help my parents finish the renovations without needing further loans.

Every weekend, I visit my parents, bring food, and give my mother a little money for her personal spending. However, when my husband was ill and hospitalized, and his company cut his year-end bonus, limiting what we could give my parents, my mother started cursing. During one Tet Lunar New Year’s family meal, she scolded us so intensely that my father couldn’t even finish his meal and left the table.

Recently, my husband and I bought a new house with a 15-year mortgage. Upon learning this, my mother has been demanding to move in with us, saying her current home has too many mosquitoes and she can’t stand my father’s behavior. Meanwhile, she constantly scolds my father, my sister, and her children at home. My brother-in-law has wanted to move out many times, but my sister refuses. Because of my mother’s temperament, my father spends most of his time in a small shelter outside, only coming into the house for meals.

I’m unsure how to refuse my mother because, whenever she stays with us, she makes sarcastic comments about my husband, mocking him for not having a leadership position despite working for years. She also criticizes his family for not being as wealthy as some of my relatives. If I try to defend him, she sulks and refuses to eat.

On top of that, she spends the entire day on her phone, placing online orders and having them sent to my address, expecting me to receive and pay for them. Whenever my mother is upset with my father, my sister, or me, she calls her relatives to complain about us, which leads to calls from my uncles to reprimand us.

I should mention that my mother has always been very calculating with every penny she spends on my sister and me. In 2010, before I started university, I received two scholarships totaling VND20 million, which my mother insisted I hand over entirely. When I left for university in Ho Chi Minh City, she gave me only VND1 million.

Knowing my family’s financial struggles, I asked for just VND300,000 a month, but my mother refused and told me to quit university. My father encouraged me to continue, taking on extra work to send me money each month, and my sister contributed an additional VND500,000.

Although my mother is stingy with us, she’s willing to lend her friends money. Recently, she said she wanted to visit Ho Chi Minh City for a medical check-up and asked me for VND10 million. I didn’t have that much, so I gave her VND8 million. Later, I found out she didn’t get the check-up but lent all that money, along with her gold jewelry, to a friend who then disappeared.

When I confronted her, she accused me of being arrogant over a little money and said I only care about throwing money at her instead of being concerned for her health. Meanwhile, at home, my sister and her husband handle all the chores. After breakfast, my mother spends her time on her phone, visiting friends, or going to the temple. She can travel nearly 1,000 kilometers with a charity group but blames my sister and me for not taking her to a medical check-up, which she claims is why she didn’t go.

My husband has no objections to my mother moving in with us, but I know deep down he isn’t comfortable with it. My mother has said that if we don’t let her live with us, my father must give her half of the family’s farmland, which she plans to sell and move elsewhere. She has already had someone come to look at the land and discuss pricing.

I don’t know what to do because I know my mother doesn’t take care of herself and often falls ill. If I let her sell the land and take the money, it’s likely that in a few years she’ll be out of money and return to us. If she moves into our home, it will create a tense atmosphere, and my children are against it as their grandmother frequently scolds them.

What should I do?