My husband becomes depressed while living with my strict mother

I am 40 years old with a seven-year-old son. My parents divorced when I was 10, and since then, I have lived with my mother, who raised me on her own. While she loves me dearly, she has always been extremely strict.

Throughout my childhood, I had to follow her wishes in everything I did. When it came time to apply for university, I wanted to study law because I excelled in social science subjects. However, my mother forced me to pursue economics, believing it would offer better job opportunities after graduation.

Unfortunately, I didn’t pass the entrance exam for the economics program and ended up completing a two-year intermediate degree in economics instead. After graduating, I found a job as an accountant at a family-owned company.

During my school years and even after I started working, my mother forbade me from dating, as she wanted me to marry a Vietnamese man living overseas. She arranged for several potential suitors to meet me, but none worked out, likely because I was thin and dark-skinned at the time, which led to them rejecting me.

Back then, all the money I earned was handed over to my mother, who was very frugal. She used the money to buy gold and save for the future.

At 31, I met my husband. Coming from the countryside, he is kind, hardworking, and works for a foreign company with a stable income. During our courtship, one of my mother’s friends introduced me to a man living in the U.S. He was willing to marry me and sponsor my move to America, but I refused. At the time, I had a good job and was living comfortably with my mother, so I didn’t want to leave my life behind or become dependent on someone else. My mother was furious when I turned down this opportunity.

After we got married, my husband initially wanted to buy a small apartment for just the two of us, but I refused because I didn’t want to leave my mother alone. Reluctantly, he agreed to move in with her.

Since then, my mother has criticized everything my husband does. He avoids socializing with friends and doesn’t dare bring anyone home for fear of upsetting her.

Even our clothing choices come under scrutiny. We’re expected to wear only the outfits she deems "beautiful and classy." The same rules apply to our son—she won’t let him wear clothes I buy for him if they don’t meet her standards.

She also interferes with how we raise our son, often comparing our current relationship to how things were before I got married, saying I now love my husband and child more than I love her.
I’ve tried my best to maintain a balance between my mother, my husband, and our child, but nothing I do seems to satisfy her.

During my pregnancy, the family stress, combined with the pressure of his new job, led my husband into depression. He even did something reckless on the day I gave birth. I took him to a doctor afterward, and though he recovered, he still takes medication to manage his condition.

After our child was born, I didn’t want my mother to be burdened with too much work, so I hired a helper until my son was two years old and could start daycare. However, the tensions in our family have not eased.

In recent years, my mother has become somewhat more lenient, but after making new, wealthier friends, she began comparing us to others. She frequently talks about her friends’ children buying luxury cars or sending money from abroad to their parents.

Now, she spends a lot of money on beauty treatments and outings with her friends. Despite the VND15 million (US$604) I give her each month for living expenses, she constantly complains that it’s insufficient, even though she doesn’t have to pay for our son’s daycare and only covers dinner for my husband and me.

She often claims to have no money for necessities like doctor visits but always seems to have money for shopping, dining out, and beauty treatments. She even sold the gold I gave her for emergencies to fund these outings. She buys clothes online, watches live streams, and constantly places orders. Some clothes she never wears—she either stores them away or gives them to others.

Whenever I try to suggest she change her lifestyle, she accuses me of being stingy and not loving her enough. She believes that with life being unpredictable, we should learn how to enjoy it. As a result, every few months, we end up in a heated argument, and she often stops speaking to me. When she’s angry, she lashes out with hurtful words, locking herself in her room and threatening to do reckless things.

My husband and I have considered moving out many times, but we always hesitate. Yet, continuing to live like this is incredibly stressful.

What should I do?