My daughter gives away what my daughter-in-law gifted us

I am over 60 years old and have three children—two daughters and a youngest son. Despite financial hardships, I managed to support all three through their education. My daughters completed college, got married, and are now housewives. My son, who is diligent in both his studies and work, graduated from university and is employed in a government position, earning VND20 million (US$795) per month. However, he lives far from home.

My son’s wife is both talented and hardworking. Her parents are well-off and have provided substantial support, gifting them a multi-billion dong villa (VND1 billion equals US$39,347). Aware that we don’t have much in savings, my daughter-in-law gives us a monthly allowance to cover our living expenses. Before getting married, my son also contributed financially to building our house.

I have no complaints about my son and daughter-in-law, but I am very troubled by my two daughters’ situations. My eldest daughter is married to a domineering and prideful man who dislikes working. He is obsessed with undertaking grand ventures but lacks the financial means, so he has been stuck at home for many years, earning only VND5-6 million a month from small jobs. He forbids my eldest daughter from working or engaging in any business activities. As they have to care for their children and my son-in-law’s mother, they face constant financial instability and frequently borrow from me.

My second daughter doesn’t work either, but her husband is more diligent. However, he earns less than VND10 million a month for their family of three. Because of their financial difficulties, they live with my husband and me. My second daughter’s daily routine mainly involves basic household chores, with much of her remaining time spent sleeping or on her phone.

When my daughter-in-law joined our family, she noticed the situation and advised my daughters to find work or start an online business, reminding them that money is essential in today’s world. She suggested they could find jobs in the nearby industrial zone, especially since their children were grown up and needed financial support for their studies or future opportunities. She warned that each of my daughters has one son, and if they don’t secure their financial futures, it could lead to challenges, including difficulty finding good marriages for their children. However, my daughters took offense to these suggestions and now resent my daughter-in-law.

Four years ago, my son and his wife asked for permission to renovate our house, which had become damp and leaky, so we could have a clean and comfortable home in our old age. My son proposed investing VND200 million in the renovation, on the condition that my second daughter’s family move out. He emphasized that his responsibility was to his parents, not his siblings, and the house we were living in was meant for him. He argued that 15 years was long enough for my second daughter to have lived here, and that she and her husband, being capable, should work and build their own home, especially since their son was grown. He felt this would prevent them from becoming further dependent.

Additionally, my son felt self-conscious living in his wife’s family home, despite their support. He wanted to renovate our family home to at least have a property of his own, which he saw as a matter of honor in relation to his wife, who has been exceptionally supportive.

Every time my son and his family visit, they have to stay in a hotel because my second daughter’s family occupies two rooms in our house. Since my daughter’s family hasn’t made any changes, my son has not gone through with the renovation and visits less often. They even felt hurt after learning that my second daughter had been giving away gifts meant for us to her in-laws to save money.

Although I empathize with her financial struggles, there seems to be no solution if she continues this way. I am also saddened by the thought that after I pass away, my son will likely not allow her family to continue living in the house.

What should I do?