I can only be with foreigners since I'm not a virgin

By Van   November 17, 2022 | 01:28 am PT
I am 29 years old and the youngest in a traditional family. My mother and four sisters didn’t have sex before marriage.

However, I let that happen out of the blue with my boyfriend when I was in my third year at university. Later, we were all nervous and afraid of getting pregnant while we were still students. At the time, my partner said that if I’m pregnant, he would marry me. Fortunately, nothing happened.

We broke up over a year later for different reasons. I want to make it clear that from the first time until the breakup, we only had sex a few more times since we were scared. He sincerely regretted it because he worried that I would be judged by society and my future husband. I was frightened too, but I didn't regret it because he was someone I loved so much, and I thought we'd never break up.

I didn't date anyone for over two years, partially because I hadn't forgotten my ex, and I was afraid that I didn’t deserve the next boyfriend. I'm obsessed with the fact that I'm not a virgin. My male friends, who insisted on only marrying virgin women, mocked me: "We know you are no longer a virgin just by looking at your face." I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life since no one would accept me.

Then I met a foreigner who is an Asian living in a country with a long history of Confucianism. He wanted to be my boyfriend, but I was scared he would be concerned about my virginity, so I always refused. I told him the truth when he asked why. He giggled and said that I was outdated.

When I told my next boyfriend from Europe about it, he laughed as if I was an idiot. Since then, I have only dated foreigners to no longer be obsessed with my virginity. Of course, I don't think all Vietnamese care about it, but from what I've read, 4 out of 10 people will take it seriously, with one person who will probably say he doesn’t care about it but bring it up during a fight.

If I’m in a relationship with people like that, it would be miserable and unfair for both of us. My solution is to select from the group of people that I'm 99.7% certainly don’t care about virginity: foreigners.

I'm not saying men who value virginity are wrong, outdated, or bad. There's no such thing as right or wrong, it depends on each person's point of view, and it is tough to change that perception in a day or two. They must at least go through something to change their mind. I used to value virginity, but after going through all of this, I found myself doing what seemed right and comfortable, and taking responsibility for it.

In fact, my decision to only get to know foreigners still poses great challenges like cultural differences, language barriers and lifestyle. I'm not sure I'll be happy with my decision; there are many things I can change if I try hard enough, but I won't be able to change the fact that I'm no longer a virgin.

I couldn't imagine my boyfriend or husband breaking up with me for this reason and I’m preventing it before it happens. Even if I recover, the scars will remain. I wrote this so that others in similar situations can find a solution instead of worrying and hurting.

Let me know your views about this.

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