Rethinking parenthood: Couples grapple with decision to remain childless

"At one point I realised that friends and relatives around me all talked about their children," the 33-year-old official in Hanoi says. "Suddenly I felt too different."

Before their marriage in 2015 she and her husband decided they would be DINKs (dual income, no kids). It allowed her time to get a master’s degree in Japan, save money to buy a house in Hanoi along with her husband and travel extensively both domestically and internationally.

But by the age of 30 Dung began considering parenthood. The "fertility limit" approaching at age 35 made her question whether the DINKs decision was the right one.

But this desire led to a marital crisis, with her husband strongly objecting and accusing her of "violating the agreement."

"If you want to have children, find someone else," he even said.

A family having fun with a soccer ball. Illustration photo by Pexels

The trend of childless couples is becoming a global phenomenon, often chosen for the freedom and reduced economic pressure it offers.

In Vietnam, surveys by the Ministry of Health indicate that the trend of having no or fewer children is growing in urban areas. Experts link this to economic reasons: escalating living, housing and child-rearing costs make young people reluctant to marry or have children.

But it is not without its drawbacks.

"Living without a child has advantages, but in an East Asian country like Vietnam, societal pressures can weigh heavily on childless couples," Dr. Linh Nga, director of the Center for Psychological Science Research and Application, says.

The decision not to have children is not always mutual among couples, and can evolve over time even if initially both agreed.

Additionally, while a child-free lifestyle may be enjoyable in one’s youth, some later find themselves yearning for a simple, joyful life surrounded by children.

"Some regrets later in life but don’t have chances to start over," Nga says.

Until two years ago 26-year-old Dieu Hang of the central Khanh Hoa Province was averse to having children, fearful of the possible pain and sacrifices involved, and doubtful about her maternal abilities.

"Children bring new challenges to a marriage that one might not be prepared to handle," she says.

Dieu Hang of Khanh Hoa Province, central Vietnam. Photo courtesy of Hang

But her then-boyfriend and now husband always believed a complete family should include a child. This disagreement prevented them from getting married even after dating for seven years, with Hang firmly stating her preference for independence.

Similarly, until turning 36 Thanh Tuyen of Hoi An in central Vietnam had never considered having children, fearing aging and likely lifestyle changes after childbirth.

This contradicted with her husband’s desire for children.

"My husband and I married hoping one would eventually change their view," Tuyen says.

The early years of their marriage involved cautious negotiations.

But business success and maturity gradually changed Tuyen’s perspective, with her husband’s dedication and responsibility also being a factor.

"He always fears I would struggle," she says. "After five years together, I felt ready to have children."

But Dr. Nga explains that, based on her extensive sessions with childless couples, many opt for the DINK lifestyle as a way to delay having children until they are financially stable and mentally ready for parenthood.

Dung and her husband came to her for counseling to save their marriage. They ultimately agreed to have a child, and now have a one-year-old son.

Dung says having a child deepened their marital bond. Her husband, once skeptical about their financial ability to raise a child, now sees the benefits, as they have become more frugal and responsible.

"While we sometimes miss our freedom, witnessing our son’s milestones, from needing our warmth to taking his first steps, makes us appreciate the value of parenthood," Dung’s husband says.

Hang’s views on having children changed dramatically when she unexpectedly became pregnant. The shock left her bewildered on her way to work, overwhelmed with worries.

"But this baby was also a test to see if my partner could be trusted for life," she says.

Her boyfriend rushed to reassure her, declaring his commitment to the care of mother and child "even if the sky falls."

"Let’s keep the baby, dear," he urged. "The child represents our love and destiny. Imagine having a child that resembles both of us."

Moved by her first ultrasound and seeing the tiny life within, Hang felt an overwhelming need to protect her child.

"That sacred moment brought tears to my eyes," she says. "I felt compelled to protect this child at all costs."

According to Nga, affection for children stems not just from responsibility but also from a deep, instinctive connection. Seeing one’s child sparks a recognition of oneself, she says.

"Children are extraordinary; they require unconditional care and love. This bond intensifies over time, deepening the emotional connection between parents and children."

Hang made numerous sacrifices after having her child, from giving up parties to undergoing physical changes, but she thinks they were worth it.

"Nothing is more painful and demanding than childbirth, but I would endure it again for another child," she declares.