Pressure to raise 'perfect' children overwhelming for many

At 5 p.m., after work, 40-year-old Huyen travels over 10 km from her office in Tay Ho District, Hanoi, to My Dinh District to pick up her children from school for extra classes. Hai Nam, her eighth-grade son, has six extra classes weekly in math, literature, English, swimming, art, and English debating.

Her daughter, who is in fourth grade, is preparing for admission to a prestigious secondary school and so attends extra classes every day in addition to skills courses. The pressure at work and her long daily commute often leaves Huyen exhausted and without appetite or enough sleep.

Her husband, Toan, bears the burden of being the family's primary breadwinner. In addition to his main job at a media company, he has two other side jobs, and often works until 3 a.m. Not surprisingly, he too is constantly stressed and short-tempered.

Recently he has been increasingly anxious, fearing that losing his jobs would jeopardize his children's future. Without his incomes, he and his wife would not be able to afford their children's education, which they consider their highest priority.

"This ensures that our children have an advantage over others, helping them secure good jobs, high incomes and stable lives in future," he says. He sought help from a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and mild depression, requiring medication and therapy.

Minh, 36, in HCMC also suffers from anxiety due to the strain of raising three young children. Despite their average income, the couple routinely enroll their children in extra classes and skills courses in the hope of giving them a competitive edge. The fear of machines replacing humans in future and seeing other parents invest heavily in their children have intensified her anxiety.

Despite constant stress and sleep deprivation, Minh took on more jobs to cover her children’s tuition fees. The prolonged mental pressure led to insomnia, headaches, excessive sweating, and a rapid heartbeat. She too was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and now requires medication and therapy.

A daughter studying with parents. Illustration by Pexels

A recent study by the American Psychological Association found that 48% of parents in the U.S. experience chronic stress, often worrying about money, safety and getting enough sleep. Concerns about social media, electronic devices and their children's mental health contribute to this stress.

While in Vietnam, statistics on parental stress related to child-rearing are not available, mental health disorders among adults are on the rise. Rising housing prices, education costs, healthcare, and living expenses in large cities are major contributing factors.

In a recent interview with The New York Times on parental mental health, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy said: "Raising children today is incredibly difficult and stressful." He said many parents feel compelled to invest more time and money into educating their children due to societal expectations.

This pressure partly stems from the fear that if they fail to equip their children with every possible advantage, they would fall behind and struggle in a future where machines take over human roles, he said. Visible and invisible pressures from social media comparisons and parenting stereotypes contribute to this overwhelming sense of exhaustion, he said.

"This has caused many families to feel exhausted."

Concurring with his assessments, clinical psychologist Vuong Nguyen Toan Thien, director of the Lumos Psychological Counseling and Therapy Center in HCMC, notes that many parents "strain themselves" to raise children, leading to chronic stress. This prolonged stress often results from persistent events like unemployment, physical or mental abuse, marital conflicts, or other pressures.

Chronic stress can persist for months or even years, making it difficult to treat. If left unmanaged, it can lead to severe mental health disorders and even physical illnesses. Mental health issues not only affect people’s ability to work and maintain relationships but also have a direct impact on their children's development. Children whose parents have mental health issues face a higher risk of themselves suffering from depression and anxiety both in the present and future.

To prevent this experts recommend that parents should learn to care for themselves. Dedicating time to physical and mental health through exercise, healthy eating, and sufficient rest is essential. Stress management techniques such as meditation, yoga and recreational activities can help maintain a positive mindset.

"Setting realistic expectations for raising children will help reduce pressure and feelings of failure, as no one is a perfect parent," Thien says. He also stresses the importance of open communication with children, encouraging an environment where they feel free to pursue their passions. If mental health issues arise, seeking professional help early is crucial to avoid severe consequences. Delaying treatment or hiding the problem can lead to even greater difficulties later on.