Love in secrecy: The trend of 'pocketing' in modern relationships

She also says their love life is private and not open to public scrutiny or judgment. Her response offended Nam, an IT engineer in Da Nang, who was already insecure about his appearance.

What troubled him more was her frequent posts about herself, often accompanied by emotional captions that attracted comments from male followers. "Not being acknowledged as her boyfriend made me feel invisible in our relationship," the 30-year-old says.

Eventually, he discovered that his girlfriend had been cheating on him: Her reason for keeping their relationship private was a cover for dating others. "I was just a backup plan all along," he says. "She probably stayed with me for financial reasons."

A rare photo shared by Thuy showcasing her romantic relationship. Photo courtesy of Thuy

Nam's experience is referred to as "pocketing" among young people, a term used to describe a situation where one partner keeps the other hidden as though "in their pocket."

Of course, it is not always done for sinister reasons and may feel like the natural thing to do for those who want to keep their personal lives off social media or hesitate to share information about their relationships widely.

Diep Hoang, CEO of HCMC-based dating agency Noi Group, says: "Pocketing has become a trend among young people. Some couples even keep their relationships under wraps until their wedding invitations are sent out."

During his 10 years in the dating industry, he has encountered many cases where individuals were entirely "pocketed."

According to Hoang, most young people prefer to keep their relationships off social media and only share them in person close friends and family, and this appears to be more common among men.

"These days everyone has two lives: one in the real world and one online," he says.

Dieu Thuy has been in a relationship for six months, but neither partner has shared their relationship on social media. Thuy admits she wants her boyfriend to declare her his girlfriend, but he feels no need to share their love online.

The Hanoi girl has introduced her boyfriend to close friends and family but refrains from sharing their relationship publicly to avoid gossip and potential pressure.

She also learned from her first relationship, which ended with public scrutiny and the task of deleting social media posts. Every post she deleted caused her sadness.

"However, from any perspective, pocketing is not normal behavior," says Thuy Chi, a matchmaker at Rudicaf, a dating service in Hanoi.

A 2023 Pew Research study in the U.S. found 91% of people aged 18 to 29 frequently shared posts about their partners.

A VnExpress survey found 68% of respondents saying introducing their partner to family and friends is essential, with only 1% preferring secrecy due to personal or professional concerns.

"The normal mindset of a person in love is to want to announce it to the world," Chi says. "Love might be a matter between two people, but if the relationship remains hidden for an extended period, it can often indicate more serious issues."

She says people keep their relationship concealed because it lacks emotional depth or certainty or to maintain the appearance of being single to keep the door open for better partners.

There is the occasional instance of traumatic past experiences causing people to keep their relationship out of sight. For instance, someone who shared their relationship online but later broke up might hesitate to do so again.

But even in such cases introducing a partner to family and friends is a natural reflex. "If someone truly loves you, they will make you feel secure," Chi explains. "If not, they will refuse to be acknowledged and avoid publicizing the relationship."

Keeping a relationship hidden can lead to confusion and misunderstandings for others. Illustration photo by Pixabay

Pocketing can also create confusion and misunderstandings for outsiders. Dai Trang, 27, of Hanoi encountered this when a male colleague, who regularly complimented her and interacted with her on social media, turned out to be engaged to another co-worker.

The couple, who had been together for two years, had chosen to keep their relationship secret. Trang says: "Perhaps they agreed to hide their relationship for professional reasons, but I doubt the fiancée knew about his behavior. I was just one of the girls affected by his action."

For those who realize they are victims of pocketing, Chi advises having an honest and open conversation. "Ask why your partner wants to keep the relationship private and work together to find a solution that makes both of you feel secure."

Feeling safe and valued is the key to any healthy relationship. If someone truly loves a person, they will not hesitate to proclaim or reveal their relationship to the world.

It may be time to reconsider the whole thing if they insist on keeping it private. Chi concludes: "Do not waste your youth in an unclear relationship. Everyone deserves to be loved fully and to be the only one in the other person's heart."

Reflecting on his experience, Nam says public acknowledgment of a relationship, especially on social media, is becoming imperative. "It shows commitment and discourages interference by others."

But Thuy sticks to her view about keeping her relationship low profile until the appropriate time. "The first photo of my boyfriend I post online will be our wedding picture," she shares.