Hired boyfriends save the day as women focus on career, marry late

The 30-year-old from Nam Dinh Province says she has not been in a relationship for over five years. The manager of a chain of convenience stores in Hanoi has only time for a few hours of sleep a day, let alone go dating.

Her sexagenarian parents phone her daily, urging her to get married since they long for grandchildren, even pretending to be ill to apply pressure. On the third day of the 2024 Lunar New Year, Thu hired a man five years older than her to meet her family.

"On the day he came to my house, he helped my mother in the kitchen, washed dishes and chatted with my relatives. It had been a long time since I'd seen my parents so happy and proud; they even boasted about him to the neighbours," Thu said.

Before the visit Thu and the man spent a week meeting and swapping personal stories so that they could play their roles convincingly. She also got gifts he had to give her parents and relatives, and wanted him to show her parents he could cook and drink alcohol well.

She says: "He works as a construction engineer. I told my parents that my boyfriend was too busy to visit often to avoid arousing suspicion."

After that first meeting Thu has been hiring the man to call her family weekly to check on their health. If asked about marriage, he would provide excuses.

Both women and men feel pressured to have a stable career before pursuing a love life. IIlustration photo by Unsplash

Thu is not alone in this caper: Many other women who are single or do not wish to marry are doing the same thing to deflect family pressure.

On social media platforms, there are now dozens of lovers for hire groups with hundreds of thousands of members.

A manager of one of these groups, who wants to remain anonymous, tells VnExpress that while this model has been around for over a decade, it has only recently gained popularity, with the majority of clients being men seeking girlfriends. "However, in recent months, the number of women hiring boyfriends for dates and family introductions has soared."

Huy Tuan, 25, of Hanoi, who has been hiring himself out as a boyfriend for over a year, says most of his clients are women a few years older than him who have been single for over three years.

They often ask to go for coffee, take photos together or sometimes visit their parents at home. "I have to start going to the gym, learn to sing, cook, take photos, and learn to converse subtly to meet the criteria of many women. I only accept three or four clients a month to ensure I do a good job."

"The fees are a few hundred thousand dong for a coffee date or a few hours of hanging out, VND1 million for meeting the family and double that for traveling far," Tuan says,

Single all her life, Ngoc, 33, moved out of her parents' home in Hanoi over a year go to avoid their nagging.

However, every visit home is fraught with tension. Ngoc decided to hire a pleasant-looking man four years her junior to introduce to her parents as her boyfriend.

She says: "For the first introduction, my parents prepared a hearty meal. The hired boyfriend was funny and pleased my parents. [But] I'd rather be single and wealthy than marry early with nothing to show for it. Only when I find a suitable partner will I marry and take care of both families."

Marriage and family psychologist Le Thi Minh Hoa of Sunnycare Psychology Institute in HCMC says many young people, especially women, are delaying marriage to focus on their career and financial stability.

They fear that an early marriage or one without financial security could lead to conflicts and negatively impact their quality of life and their children’s environment, she says.

According to the General Statistics Office, the average age of first marriage has steadily increased in recent decades. By 2022 it had risen to 26.9 years.

Urban areas have significantly higher marriage ages. For instance, in HCMC, the average in 2022 was 29.8 years. Planning for a late marriage and not finding a suitable partner are among the reasons why the percentage of single people in Vietnam increased from 6.2% in 2004 to 10.1% in 2019.

Hoa cautions that hiring a partner to meet the family can resolve immediate personal and parents’ concerns but women run the risk of being exploited or blackmailed. She advises using reputed businesses with contracts prohibiting emotional involvement and sexual harassment to ensure safety.

Dr Nguyen Thanh Nga, a lecturer at the Academy of Journalism and Communication, says not only women but also men feel pressured to have a stable career before pursuing a love life.

Hiring a person to date or take to the family can especially help LGBT individuals still in the closet. "Nevertheless, this is only a temporary solution, and if discovered could damage family trust and lead to conflicts or forced marriages."

She says young adults should express their life views to their parents instead of resorting to skulduggery. Some parents look at persuading their children to marry as a duty, hoping their children find a life partner before they grow old, and this creates pressure, she says. "Once children reach adulthood, they should be allowed to find and choose their life partners and decide when to marry. Ultimately, children's happiness is what will bring peace to parents."

Thu Thuy, 26, of HCMC hired a man to pose as her boyfriend but has become now tired of lying for so long. Every day her parents ask about him, and thinking of excuses to evade their questions has left her living in constant dread, she says. "I regret deceiving my parents. I can't imagine how hurt they will be if they find out. I will try to meet the goal of finding a real boyfriend this year."

Phuong Mai, 27, of Hanoi says she will never resort to hiring fake boyfriends and try online dating, and only feels safe when meeting people through friends or acquaintances. "I have told my parents that I prioritise being financially independent, enjoying life and spending more time with my family before considering marriage."

After much back-and-forth, her family accepted her argument and allowed her to make her own life choices.