My mother-in-law does not allow me to visit my parents’ home

My husband and I have been married for a decade and have three children. Our parents’ reside near each other in our hometown, yet we established our lives from the ground up in Hanoi. We now own a house and a car, our life is not overly prosperous but we are not struggling. I manage our daily expenses, including our children’s education, from my earnings, while my husband’s income goes into savings. We handle our finances openly and effectively.

Nevertheless, my relationship with my mother-in-law is strained, beginning from the time I had our first child five years ago, which led to conflicts between us and remains my most distressing memory. At that point, my husband and I were renting and did not own our home. My mother-in-law insisted that I recuperate at her house post-delivery. One month later, my husband and I decided to move out, and my mother traveled to request that I recuperate at her home with the baby for some time.

Yet, my mother-in-law sternly rejected this idea, harshly criticizing not only me but also my parents, frustrated that I couldn’t rise early to cook or clean due to a C-section and my baby’s gastroesophageal reflux, which required constant attention. My husband, fearful of confronting his mother, advised me to endure the situation. My father-in-law, lacking authority in the home, remained silent to avoid confrontation from my mother-in-law.

Two months postpartum, I spent another two months at my mother’s home before returning to my in-laws’ for a month. I eventually used my job in Hanoi as a pretext to avoid further stays with my in-laws. I opted not to seek my mother-in-law’s assistance for childcare, instead hiring a neighbor, further straining our relationship.

With subsequent children, I never stayed at my in-laws’ post-delivery. I managed all care needs independently, hiring outside help even for bathing the baby. My mother-in-law, displeased by my decision to leave my banking career for entrepreneurship, took every chance to criticize me, particularly in my husband’s absence, accusing me of using his earnings. During a bout of fever from a milk blockage, rather than assisting, she suggested I let the condition worsen and seek hospital care. Her constant disparaging remarks continued until she finally departed after a month.

I have undergone three C-sections and have never taken a day off in five years, solely caring for our children. My mother-in-law’s expectations for me to seek her help only fueled her resentment when I did not. Over the past 10 years, I have consistently stayed at my in-laws’ during Tet Lunar New Year holiday, never spending a night at my parents’. Yet, each year, she finds new reasons for displeasure. I harbor no affection for her, only deep resentment. As for my husband, whenever his mother feels upset or starts crying, his immediate response is to tell me to just endure it.

Now, since my husband’s brother got married and his business failed, he and his wife have relied heavily on financial support from my in-laws. His wife also refrains from bringing their children to my in-laws’ house, supported by her husband in standing up to my mother-in-law’s overbearing nature. This shift has lessened my mother-in-law’s disdain toward me.

Currently, I still frequently take the children to my hometown for family gatherings and memorial services on my in-laws’ side. Despite her ongoing mockery whenever I visit my parents’ home, I no longer seek her approval as before.

Am I wrong for doing this?