A man's love and a woman's expectations

"March 8 is coming, what will you do Jesse?" - one asked in a regular morning meeting.

I paused for a second, the cup of coffee in my hand tasted... salty.

"What is that? Valentine's day has just passed less than a month ago. My money is leaking like grains of rice in a holey burlap sack carried on the road all the way from Valentine's Day to International Women's Day."

They laughed.

But I suddenly changed my tone, became serious like my grandfather, and started reminiscing: "Once upon a time, when there were no iPhones, my hair was still fresh, and dinosaurs still existed. We only had one day, Valentine's Day. Us, as in me and your grandparents, only wrote handwritten letters, picked flowers and plants along the road to give to loved ones. Now, there are so many holidays and distractions they get mixed up and are as memorable as yesterday’s breakfast."

At this point I started to take this more seriously. Indeed, if it were only for one day, it would be difficult to forget. But on holidays men always seem to live in confusion. When I hear someone talk about a special day coming up I will sweat because I'm afraid I'll miss it. Forgetting to give gifts to women, I imagine, is like a shotgun wedding. They would flock to my door, glaring and questioning: "Why aren't there flowers, why aren't you sending gifts, what kind of man are you anyhow, Jesse?"

March 8 was born from a history of strong struggles for the rights and equality of women around the world. But this original meaning has gradually faded in most countries. In Vietnam, it is almost only an opportunity for men to express their love and appreciation for women through gifts. And just like that, we have another day to worry about.

I have counted at least 22 days of the year that men could forget and things would be fine. Right after Valentine's Day on Feb. 14, International Women's Day on March 8 is White Valentine (March 14), Black Valentine (March 14), Lovers' Day (April 23 - Lover's Day), Kissing and Reconciliation Day (April 25 - Kiss and Make up Day)..., I feel it’s enough just to remember that yesterday was Valentine's Day and tomorrow is Mom's birthday.

But these three girls are excited to receive gifts with every holiday. Maybe because they are young and single. I'm not jealous at all, on the contrary, I'm relieved that those days are over for me. I am happy to never have to go back to that time when we had to display ourselves like a tomato at the market, for "potential customers" to examine and squeeze to see if it was ripe or still green.

I also hope that the three editors, whom I consider my daughters, will one day choose a worthy tomato. But I honestly don't see much hope, when from them, I observe the way men approach women today - a clear reflection of modern love. There are many different ways, but most are done with minimal effort, seemingly just to save energy.

For example, Gen Z flirt through a series of messages like this:

Monday: Hello, can I get to know you?

Tuesday: Hey, can I get to know you?

Wednesday: Hey, let's get to know each other.

Friday: Lemon question! (Vietnamese slang, imagine a snobby facial expression akin to eating a lemon).

Saturday: ... (the dots of message apprehension)

Sunday: Fine, delete my friend request!

While my girls are immersed in thousands of Korean dramas - where they daydream about being with a handsome guy, holding hands of each other tightly, listening to romantic music and humming happy tunes, following idols as deep as a drowned fish.

Such fantasies deeply reflect human psychology. Men will bond emotionally when they can share their feelings with a single person. Women need a steadfast man who will not abandon them to pursue outside fun especially when they are ugly and heavy during turning points such as pregnancy or childbirth.

Men can fall in love at first sight while women need data points more than nice looking vegetables. They want to test a man's endurance and reliability before placing their whole heart in their partner.

Men think that just remembering and giving a gift is enough to fulfill their obligation for a holiday. But women will still check whether the gift is carefully prepared or not, and whether there are any words included in it.

Women are therefore often not easily satisfied with the first thing they achieve. I experienced this again, when an idle question in a regular meeting gradually turned into a "seminar" about men's love, with a macro problem they posed to me: Where is the heart in a gift?

Life has changed a lot since I was a young man. The advent of the internet has transformed men's behavior by the subtle creation of culture using thousands of complex messages creating the customs of gifts and customary performances making it difficult for me to grasp what's currently going on.

I felt the need to answer this question very responsibly, so I decided to ask a father of many children, - Uncle Nam - a good friend of mine.

Uncle Nam is as rotund as Buddha, with a smile that took up three-quarters of his face and easily captured half of the heart of anyone who sees it. I asked him the same question that Gen Z editors asked me.

He replied: "Probably going drinking. Do you want to go drinking, Jesse?"

Unexpectedly, I thought my friend would instead be enduring a painful time during these holidays. So I agreed enthusiastically then I asked him:

- "And this year, have you prepared anything romantic?"

- "No, never."

- "Ever? What about your marriage proposal?"

- "Nope. Not really."

Then he sat in a hammock and sang the melody he once sang to his wife. It's the warmest song I've ever heard, each beat seems to come from the depths of his soul. At this moment, I suddenly understood why his wife agreed to give birth to so many children for him. He has never been flowery, never acted romantically, but he has such a sweet and sincere singing voice that shows forth inside his prominent figure.

He said he knew, at some point, his wife wouldn't be able to run away from that voice. Love comes naturally and is irresistible.

I couldn't find a clear answer for the girls, but I resolved a long-standing question of mine. Turns out, romance can be simpler than you think. Turns out women aren't so difficult to understand sometimes. The three Gen Z editors and Uncle Nam's wife, whether they like or don't care about flowers, gifts, or romantic things, still need real signs of love.

*Jesse Peterson is an author who has published some books in Vietnamese, including "Jesse Cười", "Funny Tragedy: adding color to life".