The stress of caring for 'man-child' husbands

When she brought it up, he accused her of "causing tension" so early in the day and walked out of the room.

After scrubbing the toilet for half an hour she moved on to tidying up the messy bed he had left, picking up scattered socks and clothes to throw in the wash. She then cooked breakfast for the family and spent another half hour washing dishes and cleaning the dining table. "My husband wakes up, grabs his things, and heads to work, leaving all the mess for me to handle," she laments.

Her biggest wish is that he could be away for a few weeks each month-or even longer-so she could get a break from constantly looking after him on top of caring for their children. Both Thu and her husband have office jobs. But once they are home, all the household responsibilities fall on her shoulders. Taking care of the children is not a burden, and she does not expect her husband to share in the chores, she says. "I just wish I did not have to take care of him like one of our kids."

Thu’s is a common experience for Vietnamese women who balance a career with the demands of running a household. A 2022 report by the International Labor Organization said: "Nearly 70% of Vietnamese women are in the workforce-a much higher rate than the global average of 47% and the Asia-Pacific’s 44%. However, nearly 20% of Vietnamese men reportedly never engage in household chores."

Thu has lost count of how many times she has asked her husband to clean up after himself. She started with requests, which turned into scolding, but he would only make a brief effort before slipping back into his habits. To make things worse, he often sulks. If she speaks harshly, he complains to his mother, who sides with him, telling her: "If you are too busy, Duc and the kids can come to my place to eat."

A man plays video game at home. Illustration by Unsplash

In Hai Duong Province, Kieu Oanh keeps a close eye on her husband Tran Van Duc, 30, due to his gaming addiction. He locks himself in the bathroom with his phone after work, and heads to his room to play games on his computer until the early hours after dinner. "All household responsibilities fall on me," Oanh says.

She considers herself lucky that her in-laws are supportive. When she complains about her struggles, they join her in chiding him. She introduced a set of "rules" allowing him to play games to his heart’s content on weekend nights, but limiting it to two hours in the evening on weekdays.

He must hand his phone over afterward. But to earn those two hours, he has to mop the floor, clean the toilet and pick up their children from school. If she needs him to run an errand or cook, he gets bonus time. But he frequently ignores these rules. He would often finish work early and head to a gaming center, forgetting to pick up their kids.

Chu Thi Thanh Huong, a marriage counselor in HCMC with over 10 years’ experience, finds it regrettable that women having to "care for their husbands like children" has become a widespread societal issue.

Hoang Anh Tu, the administrator of a marriage and family forum with around 180,000 members, says nearly every day wives post about husbands who are irresponsible and behave childishly. Common complaints include "I became my husband’s mother after marriage", "My house is full of children" and "My husband is my oldest child."

Huong says such behavior often stems from upbringing. Mothers who pamper their sons and fathers who do not participate in household tasks raise sons who grow up expecting to be indulged. These men carry this "child" within them into adulthood, often lacking the maturity and skills expected of a husband. Conversely, many Vietnamese women are raised to manage household chores and care for others. When they marry, they assume it is their responsibility to handle these tasks alone.

Tu, the forum administrator, says many women struggle to break free from traditional gender roles. They feel compelled to do everything for the family and strive for perfection, fearing they might be labeled lazy wives if the house is not spotless, he says. "When their husbands do not help, they feel they have to handle it all."

Thu admits she can be a perfectionist, preferring things done just right. When she nags her husband, he might clean the toilet or wash the dishes, but half-heartedly and not as well as she would like. If she points out something he had missed, he would storm off, saying: "If you do not like it, do it yourself." Wanting to avoid conflict, she often lets it go.

Huong warns that playing "nanny" to their husbands can lead women to burnout and resentment, making the marriage feel burdensome. Many women confide in her about feeling lonely despite being married because they shoulder the entire weight of the relationship, she says. "This is also one of the reasons why some women file for divorce."

Thu has drafted divorce letters. After all, the relationship now involves not only the couple but also their children and extended families, she says. "Staying is hard, but leaving is harder."

Huong advises women to take their time when choosing a partner, and observe if the man they intend to marry has childish tendencies. Understanding his family dynamics is also essential, particularly whether his father shares household responsibilities with his mother, she says. For those already married to immature men, she suggests finding ways to share the responsibilities. "Help him grow in his role instead of taking on everything and feeling resentful."

She also recommends that wives should praise their husbands for small accomplishments to encourage them to voluntarily take on family duties. She warns them against being perfectionists and expecting their husbands to perform chores as meticulously as they would to ease the pressure for both.

Tu says women married to "man-children" should be the mature one in the relationship and avoid petty arguments. Instead of getting angry, he suggests they should calmly spell out their expectations. "Sometimes, changing your tone can alter the family atmosphere, making the husband feel he can support his wife and children."

Thu tried ignoring household chores to see if her husband would step up, but while her children have started to help around the house and even criticize their father’s laziness, he remains unchanged. "Maybe even at 70 he’ll remain ‘little Duc,’ as his mother calls him."

*Names of characters have been changed.