The rise of ‘microwave love’: Why gen Z is stuck in cycles of on-off relationships

This was nothing new for the 21-year-old. Like their previous three reconciliations, the couple resumed their relationship without addressing the issues that led to their breakup two months earlier.

Giang and her boyfriend have been in a relationship for two years. During this time she has often struggled with jealousy, feeling upset when he had close interactions with other women, or seemed inattentive or slow to reply to Giang's messages.

Each time the couple argued, the third-year university student in Hanoi would end their relationship. But a few months later one of them would suggest getting back together since neither can forget the other.

Huong Giang during a picnic in 2023. Photo courtesy of Giang

Manh Dung, 22, of Phu Tho Province decided to reunite with his ex-girlfriend after she called and asked to start over.

It was the fifth time the couple had broken up and reconciled, a cycle Dung describes as "moving in a circle where fate always brings us back together."

Dung recalls that when they first broke up, he had tried to hold on but eventually stopped putting in effort when he felt his girlfriend did not respect their relationship.

Subsequently, every time she asked to get back together, he agreed, reasoning that their issues were minor.

But their relationship would only remain stable for a few months before they broke up again.

"Breaking up and getting back together five times in just over a year seems a bit too much," he admits.

After their latest breakup, his girlfriend appeared determined, which made Dung believe he would only be heartbroken briefly before moving on.

He even considered dating someone else but found no one compared to his ex despite her flaws. So, when he heard her emotional plea to reconcile, he agreed, saying, "There's still a feeling of familiarity, after all."

Relationships like those of Giang and Dung are referred to as 'microwave love' among Gen Z, a reference to romantic relationships that heat up quickly and cool down just as fast.

Unlike in traditional relationships, these breakups are not seen as a definitive ending but rather as part of a continuous cycle.

According to a 2023 study published in Medical News Today, 60% of young adults in the US admitted to having at least one on-off relationship.

"Breakups and reconciliations among 'on-off' couples happen quickly without careful deliberations," explains Dr. Nguyen Thi Minh, a psychology lecturer at the National Academy of Public Administration’s HCMC campus, claims.

She points out that young adults often lack full social and emotional maturity, and often make impulsive decisions.

As conflicts trigger anger, neither side is willing to compromise, leading to quick breakups.

However, after some time many realize they still have feelings for their ex-partner and feel unhappy with being single, prompting them to suggest getting back together.

Another reason for this phenomenon is that people break up to explore new feelings. Later, when the new relationships fail to meet their expectations, they seek to reconcile, while the other agrees because of a sense of familiarity.

Minh suggests this is like a conditioned reflex, one that helps people protect themselves from past and future emotional wounds.

Some young adults even believe that the bond between them and their partner is so deep that getting back together after a breakup is inevitable.

For them, 'microwave love' serves as an emotional boost, rekindling excitement in their relationship.

"Generally, on-off relationships are common among young people as they are not yet bound by marriage, making it easy to break up and forgive," Minh explains.

Young people engage in on-off relationships and often seek reconciliation due to a feeling of familiarity. Illustrative photo by Pexels

Psychologist Trinh Trung Hoa believes, as an experienced marriage counsellor, that frequently breaking up and getting back together is not always a bad sign.

Breaking up can help people recognize the value of a relationship, understand what needs improvement, and avoid repeating past mistakes. However, some couples may go through repeated breakups and reunions because one person often puts in more effort or emotional investment than the other, leading to an imbalance in the relationship.

Each time Giang got back with her ex she ignored the reasons behind their previous discord, thinking there was no need to revisit old issues.

Then, after some time, she eventually found herself stuck in a cycle as jealousy and resentment resurfaced.

Hoa says 'microwave love' can drain people emotionally, impacting their quality of life, work, and studies.

"Like a dish that is reheated too many times, it starts to lose its flavor."

To avoid on-off relationships, Minh advises young people to express all their needs honestly and take time to understand each other's perspectives.

Couples should determine whether they are compatible or simply reacting to fleeting emotions, he says.

If they reunite, both need to address previous issues rather than ignore them. If deciding to part ways, a decisive approach is essential to avoid getting stuck in a cycle of emotional exhaustion.

For Dung, his on-now-off-now relationship has left him emotionally numb, constantly wondering when the next breakup would come and disappointed that, despite the multiple reunions, his partner has not made any changes needed for a stable relationship.

"Every time we get back together it is the same cycle of frustration and exhaustion," he adds wearily.