Modern lifestyles, bewildered mothers-in-law make for family tensions

The Bac Giang native never expected her daughter-in-law to publicly share details about their relationship on social media.

Hong’s son married after turning 30, and so she and her husband cherished their daughter-in-law and wanted to treat her like one of their own children. Hong was even secretly pleased, believing that having a daughter-in-law would allow her to step out of the kitchen and focus on tending her chickens, pigs and market stall.

But things did not turn out as she planned.

She acknowledges that she was not very good in the kitchen and rarely cleaned up, while her daughter-in-law is extremely tidy and meticulous. So, if Hong left food crumbs on the table or walked through the yard with sand on her shoes, her daughter-in-law would immediately clean them and point fingers at her.

This created tension, leading to frequent disagreements and harsh words.

Her daughter-in-law recorded one such exchange and shared it on her family chat group. She also vented her frustrations on social media.

Hong says: "If the village hadn’t started gossiping and asking what was going on, I would have never known our private matters were being aired for everyone to see."

Many mothers-in-law suffer from strained relationships with their daughters-in-law. Illustration photo by VnExpress/Pham Nga

A 2021 study by Le Ngoc Lan from the Institute for Family and Gender Studies found that 86% of mothers-in-law felt that their daughters-in-law did not show them the affection they expected.

Dr. La Linh Nga, a public health expert and director of the Psycho-pedagogy Research and Application Center in Hanoi, says she has counseled many mothers-in-law who feel overwhelmed by pressure from their daughters-in-law.

"These women often say that, no matter what they do, they cannot seem to satisfy their daughters-in-law, and they constantly face criticism," she explains.

Bich Hanh, 57, of Hanoi, initially struggled to adapt to her daughter-in-law’s lifestyle. She says her daughter-in-law, Hang Nga, 26, was always glued to her phone, even while cooking, washing dishes or sitting at the dining table.

"Sometimes the meat would burn or water would overflow because she was too engrossed on her phone," Hanh says.

When told, Nga would say she was handling urgent work and could not put her phone down.

Though they all lived together in a two-bedroom apartment, Hanh felt increasingly disconnected from her son and daughter-in-law.

Her son and daughter-in-law would return from work at 7 p.m., and by 9 p.m. would hand their baby to Hanh to take care and stay up late working, sometimes until 1 or 2 a.m.

In the early days of her their marriage Hanh would go to the market and make breakfast for the couple, but they were annoyed when she woke them at 8 a.m. Nga even told her husband to tell his mother to "respect their privacy."

"I always wanted a daughter, so I thought having a daughter-in-law would give me a companion," Hanh says. "But I couldn’t even have a proper conversation with her."

She would often cry and confide in her son, but he would dismiss her concerns, saying she was overreacting.

As a result she grew more distant and isolated from her son and daughter-in-law.

Hanh’s story is not uncommon among mothers-in-law these days.

According to Dr. Nga, many women today are more focused on their personal space and privacy, but lack sensitivity when dealing with their mother-in-law. For instance, when a mother-in-law tries to help by tidying her son and daughter-in-law’s bedroom, she could spark irritation in the latter.

"The daughter-in-law might question why her mother-in-law is entering her personal space even if she’s just trying to tidy up," Nga says.

From her experience, some daughters-in-law are also overly sensitive and easily upset by a simple remark or suggestion from the mother-in-law, leading to complaints to their husbands, which strains family relationships, she says.

Dr. Nguyen Thi Minh, a lecturer at the National Academy of Public Administration, says human nature craves respect, but many daughters-in-law fail to grasp this and their bluntness can make mothers-in-law feel disrespected.

But in order not to mar their children’s happiness, many mothers-in-law suppress their feelings, which only adds to their stress, he says.

Dr. Nga says in some cases daughters-in-law who are financially well-off look down on their in-laws, an observation backed by surveys, which also show that daughters-in-law often have better economic status than their mothers-in-law.

The 2021 study by Lan found 37.7% of mothers-in-law saying their daughter-in-law was indifferent toward them, and 16.9% saying their daughter-in-law lacked respect for their family.

It also found that mothers-in-law estimated their daughters-in-law contributed 38% to household expenses while they themselves contributed 22%.

But daughters-in-law estimated differently, saying they contributed 45% compared to 19% by their mother-in-law.

Dr. Minh says many mothers-in-law are aware of the shifting roles of daughters-in-law these days, understanding that women today juggle work and family responsibilities. The mothers-in-law try to be supportive, but some do struggle to adapt, holding on to rigid expectations, failing to empathize with their daughters-in-law’s pressures and often resorting to criticism.

Also, in Vietnamese culture, subtlety and indirect communication are highly valued. Older mothers-in-law often adhere to this traditional code of behavior, remaining silent or resorting to indirect words when upset.

In contrast, modern daughters-in-law are busy and direct, with little patience for ambiguity.

"When a mother-in-law speaks in circles and the daughter-in-law does not understand her, the mother-in-law ends up feeling frustrated," Dr. Minh says.

Nga says she initially found her mother-in-law Hanh difficult to understand.

"She wanted me to do certain things but never said it directly," she describes. "Instead, she told stories about how others did it. I didn’t have time to guess what she meant."

Experts agree that unresolved tensions between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law can lead to conflict and even strain marriages.

Dr. Minh says mothers-in-law should clearly express their expectations when a new daughter-in-law comes into the family. If conflicts arise during cohabitation, it is important to communicate respectfully to ease tensions, he says.

"If you don’t know how to express yourself, seek advice on how to convey your message tactfully or ask others to do it for you," she says. "But if you choose to stay silent, then learn to accept things rather than let tension build."

Dr. Nga says when mothers-in-law discuss their frustrations with their sons, they should choose their words carefully, listen to their sons’ perspective and consider solutions that benefit both sides rather than place blame.

Daughters-in-law too should be mindful in their interactions, especially when asking for help, she says. For instance, she points out, it’s better to say "Mom, could you help me do this based on these instructions?" rather than making demands.

If the mother-in-law’s approach is incorrect, the daughter-in-law can gently say "I read that experts recommend doing it this way for better results," which allows her to achieve her goal without offending the older woman, she says.

After several confrontations on social media, Hong and her daughter-in-law had a major fallout, causing her son and his wife to move out, to which she readily agreed.

In Hanh’s case, her daughter mediated between her and her daughter-in-law, leading to a better understanding and improved relations.

*Names in this article have been changed.