In limbo at 30: the tribulations of the no-longer-young

"I feel this way at least three times a day," Tu, who turned 30 in May, says.

The Nghe An province native has lived and worked in Da Nang city for eight years. He began feeling this way a year ago when his parents started pressing him about marriage. His job, which involves working mostly with male colleagues and spending half the year in the forest, gives him little opportunity to meet women.

So nothing has come of his efforts to start relationships recently. "I also feel anxious and exhausted because, although my job provides a stable income, I have not achieved anything noteworthy," he says.

Duc Tu during a business trip to Pu Mat National Park in central Nghe An province in August 2023. Photo courtesy of Duc Tu

Minh Tri declined all the parties his friends and colleagues had planned for his 30th birthday. "To me, turning 30 marks the end of carefree youth," the project director at a real estate platform in Hanoi says.

Originally from central Vietnam, he has been committed to hard work ever since he moved to the city to study. Finding himself earning more than his peers from his real estate job, he became increasingly engrossed in work. He has achieved all his goals, from buying a house and car to supporting his parents.

"But when I look back, I just feel lost," he admits. Without a wife or children, his life revolves around work, returning home and business trips – all alone. "Now I no longer have any goals to strive for, and I don’t know what I exist for, or why I'm making money."

This sense of uncertainty at 30 is becoming a growing phenomenon. A 2022 study by Relate (UK) noted the increasing prevalence of "milestone anxiety" or "30 anxiety" among young people. It found that 77% of Millennials and Gen Z reported feeling pressured to meet achieve traditional life milestones such as getting married, having children and buying a house.

At the Hanoi Center for Psychological Research and Education, psychologist La Linh Nga says many young people seeking help from the center recently shared a common feeling of being adrift and directionless.

Some of her clients, men in their 30s, reported feeling isolated and not ready for family life. Women face a similar dilemma, often asking, "Should I pursue my career or get married and have children?" Those that are already married also face crises related to relationships, child-rearing and financial pressure.

From a career perspective, many in their 30s encounter a crisis when they realize their careers have stagnated and fear being replaced. Even those who are financially successful often feel unfulfilled because their work does not align with their passions.

Nga says: "The feeling of a crisis at 30 is increasing in both frequency and intensity, especially in a society burdened with environmental issues, diseases, high housing costs, and expensive child-rearing." People naturally become more reflective, stable and serious with themselves around 30, she explains.

Traditionally, this is also the age for establishing a family. Many feel overwhelmed by the pressure of career, family and personal achievements.

"Society has this unwritten rule that you can explore, make mistakes and try new things in your 20s, but once you turn 30, you’re expected to have a stable career and family, with little room for errors or failures," Nga says. The modern focus on awards honoring "under 30" achievers has inadvertently turned 30 into an "age of reckoning."

For Hai Bich of Phu Tho Province, the 30’s crisis became most apparent after a class reunion in summer as her friends kept speaking about their married lives, making her feel like the odd one out. Some expressed surprise, with a hint of sarcasm, when they learned she was still an employee.

"I suddenly felt insecure," Bich, who used to top her class, admits though seeing her friends start their own business and become successful has motivated her to strive to achieve something.

She is a manager at an executive recruitment firm with a good salary and benefits, and a potential business partnership with a senior colleague has her on the horns of a dilemma. Despite her ambition to start a business, she faces pressure to marry and have children.

"Since turning 30, the question I hear most often is, 'When will you get married and have kids?'"

Hai Bich, 30, on a trip to Hue City, central Vietnam, in July 2024. Photo courtesy of Hai Bich

Nga has some advice for young people in crises: They should have an open mind. Those anxious about their careers should definitely invest in education and self-development, she says. If someone wants to pursue their passion, 30 is not too late, she says.

She points to the saying "A person has three marriages: to their career, their family, and themselves," and says all three are important, and so, besides investing in careers and families, people must also take care of and love themselves.

"When you understand and love yourself, you will no longer feel lost."

Amid the expectations and pressures she faces, Bich has recently taken up basket weaving and painting to regain balance. She has started looking at the bright side, and realizes she has financial stability, a strong business network and a range of life experiences. She even plans to resign and start her own business.

Tri says the overwhelming pressure from his job left him so exhausted that all he wanted to do after work was relax at home. He realizes his sense of being lost also stems from having the same monotonous routine for so long, and so he plans to reward himself with a long holiday after completing his current project.

As for Tu, he initially tried to distract himself from his thoughts about age by reading, cooking, playing video games, and hiking, but nothing worked. When he realized his aimlessness stemmed from setting too many expectations, he decided to address them one by one.

He is currently prioritizing his work. He is involved in several major international projects and writes articles for prestigious international journals to gain more recognition and stature in his field. He is also preparing to launch a YouTube channel to share insights into animal and environmental conservation.

"Once I achieve success, it will be easier to find a life partner."