Gifting gold to wedding couples: a timeless tradition or outdated burden?

"A wedding is the most important event in a woman's life. If your family downplays it like this, what will people think of me and my family?" Nguyen Thi Dung told him.

In her hometown, it is customary for the groom’s mother to present gold jewelry to the bride as a blessing for the couple and a gesture of the family’s esteem for the new daughter-in-law. "If even the gold-giving ceremony is skipped, then there is no wedding," she warned.

Caught between his wife and parents' financial strain, he decided to rent a gold necklace to satisfy both sides. After days of persuasion, she reluctantly agreed. On their wedding day, his mother placed a rented five-mace gold necklace and her own one-mace bracelet on Dung in front of guests.

"Everyone admired the jewelry, so my wife was pleased though we had to return it the next day," he says.

But Hoai Nhan, 32, of HCMC, took a different approach. She asked her parents-in-law not to present gold at her wedding. "If my parents cannot afford it, they should not feel pressured," she says. "Borrowing money just to keep up appearances is unnecessary. We are living our lives for ourselves, not for others."

Nhan, who has a minimalist lifestyle, held a wedding ceremony at all mainly to honor her parents’ wishes. She and her husband took their own wedding photos, exchanged simple rings and registered their marriage. "What matters is how we live together as a couple, not how much gold we receive at our wedding," she says.

Mother presents a gold necklace to the bride during a traditional Vietnamese wedding ceremony. Illustration photo from Pexels

The conversation about giving gold at weddings resurfaced after a viral video showed a financially struggling couple buying fake gold jewelry for VND1.2 million (US$50) to use during their ceremony.

Opinions on the matter are divided. Some sympathize with the couple, understanding their desire for a respectable ceremony despite financial constraints. Others criticized them for "flaunting wealth they do not have," arguing that the money spent on fake or rented gold could have been saved for their future.

The debate coincides with skyrocketing gold prices, which reached a record VND100 million (US$3912) per tael of 37.5 grams on Wednesday. A recent VnExpress survey of nearly 2,800 readers elicited a range of opinions on wedding gold traditions. While 34% said they would buy gold as a form of financial security, 16% preferred to rent it or borrow from family and 50% choose to forgo the tradition altogether.

La Linh Nga, director of the Center for Psychological Science and Education Research in Hanoi, says gold is not just material wealth but also has sentimental value. Gold given at weddings symbolizes enduring love and marital longevity, which is why many still uphold the tradition despite financial struggles, she says.

Nguyen Van Duc, 27, from the central province of Thanh Hoa agrees. He and his family experienced firsthand the pitfalls of prioritizing tradition over financial stability. When he got married last year the bride’s family demanded at least two taels of gold as dowry. His farmer parents borrowed money from relatives to buy the gold.

"They believed giving us gold was both an investment for our future and a way to maintain our family’s reputation," he recalls.

However, just four months after the wedding, he and his wife divorced. His ex-wife insisted on taking half the gold as her share, but his family refused. The dispute severed ties between the two families though they lived in the same village.

"In the end, what was the point of the gold?" he says.

Sociologist Nguyen Thi Minh says couples who prioritize symbolic gestures over practical needs could struggle with deeper issues in their relationship. If a couple feel the need to conform to unnecessary traditions for the sake of appearances, it suggests an underlying insecurity about their own identity and values, she says.

She advises young couples to focus on their financial well-being rather than other’s opinions. If young couples face scrutiny or gossip for not giving gold at their wedding, they should accept it as normal and not burden themselves to meet societal expectations.

"No one should begin a new life feeling exhausted."

Now, two years after their wedding, Dung and Thanh have managed to save a decent amount of gold. As gold prices rise relentlessly, they see it as a smart investment. Yet, from time to time, Dung brings up the fact that her husband’s family had to rent gold for their wedding.

*Some character names have been changed.