Do secret funds end marriages or are they just a catalyst?

The 42-year-old Hanoian was advised surgery by doctors but had a poor prognosis. So, before the operation, he told his brother-in-law to get a bank card from his wallet, told him the password and said: "If anything happens to me, use this money to take care of my parents."

The surgery was successful and saved Trong's life. While waiting for him to regain consciousness, the brother-in-law handed the bank card to Trong’s wife, Thu Hoa, casually mentioning the instructions.

Discovering that the card held over VND1 billion, she was furious and felt cheated by her husband. She says: "I've never lied to him about anything, but he treated me and our child this way. It felt like betrayal."

Her resentment grew every time she thought of the secret fund, and she began frequently questioning Trong and checking his wallet and phone for other hidden funds.

Irritated by her suspicion, Trong asked her, "What's wrong with me saving money to care for my parents?"

"Our irritation grew, and we used harsh words to insult each other," she recounts. Eventually they divorced, despite having once overcome numerous challenges and both family opposition to marry.

Arguing couple. Illustration by Pexels

In Dong Nai, Nguyen Van Duc, 32, discovered that while he was struggling with business losses, his wife had a secret fund to build a house for her parents.

"I spent many sleepless nights worrying about debts, feeling guilty for not providing well for my wife and child, only to find out she had just given VND500 million to her parents," he says.

What hurt him the most was his wife's message to her mother saying, "My husband’s business is losing money and in debt, and I have to hide it before he finds out and spends it all."

After reading the messages, Duc was devastated. For nearly a decade he had entrusted all his earnings to his wife, who stayed at home to care for their children. While he was transparent about all his transactions, she secretly opened an account to divert part of his income.

A 2021 survey in the U.S. by financial service CreditCards found that over 25% of married couples think having a secret fund is tantamount to infidelity, considering it worse than physical cheating.

Family psychologist Hong Huong in Hanoi says for individuals like Duc and Hoa, who believe that marital finances should be shared, discovering a spouse’s secret fund often leads to shock, triggering negative behaviours.

"Those who measure their partner by their own standards often feel dissatisfied when they are transparent and work hard for the family, only to discover their partner has a private fund."

From this perspective, a secret fund is akin to "financial infidelity," and serves as a trigger for conflicts that can lead to the breakdown of a marriage, she says.

Statistics from the Institute for Family and Gender Studies show that 13% of divorces in Vietnam are due to financial issues, ranking second only to lifestyle conflicts and infidelity.

And, this is not just in Vietnam.

A study by the U.S. National Endowment for Financial Education found that financial dishonesty was a reason for 30% of divorces.

Huong suggests that secret funds are not inherently bad, and the key lies in the purpose for which they exist. In Trong’s case, if the two parties had handled the situation differently when the secret fund was revealed, they might not have ended up in court, she says.

Trong should have realized that hiding something from his spouse is dishonest, and an apology and explanation about the purpose of the secret fund would have been the best way to ease the situation, she says. His wife, Hoa, should have reconsidered the fund's purpose instead of jumping to conclusions and fostering distrust, she points out. "If you see a secret fund as a mistake, it's just one of many mistakes people make in life."

Hong Thai of the Hanoi Bar Association, who has handled many divorce cases involving secret funds, agrees with Huong but adds that a secret fund can also be related to underlying issues in a relationship. "When there's a lack of trust, people hide funds. In some cases, the secret fund is merely the spark that reveals deeper problems in the relationship."

Duc only realized there were issues in his marriage when he decided to test his wife. He pretended not to know about her secret fund and asked her to borrow money from her parents to help pay off his debts. He also asked his mother-in-law for a loan, but she refused immediately.

His wife chided him, saying: "Aren't you ashamed to keep doing this?"

A furious Duc then revealed the truth. Instead of showing remorse, his wife criticized him for being incompetent, saying she never trusted him due to his unstable income, which left her and their child struggling.

"I knew this day would come, so I had to prepare for myself rather than sink with you." Things went from bad to worse. Duc proposed a divorce and she agreed. "It turns out, in my wife's eyes, I was just worthless," he says.

HCMC-based psychologist Nguyen Thi Tam, who has 20 years of experience in family and marriage counselling, says more and more young couples are opting for prenuptial agreements these days to ensure financial transparency. But she cautions that being too rigid about finances in a relationship might be construed as money being more important than feelings for each other.

"This is not an appropriate solution for family finances."

The experts suggest that couples should establish a joint fund as well as personal accounts to maintain financial freedom within the marriage. They need to discuss contributions flexibly, according to their earning capacity at various stages, to ensure family finances are smooth while allowing personal space.

In a VnExpress survey of over 500 readers, 40% preferred setting aside money for a joint fund and only 14% believed that all family finances should be pooled together.

After the divorce Trong gained custody of his child and later remarried. In his new marriage, he and his wife decided to manage their finances separately, with only a joint account for the children and retirement. He says: "In the end, I don't think I was wrong to have a secret fund, but both of us made mistakes in how we handled the situation.

"But, anyway, it's in the past, and it's something I need to move on from."

*The names in this article have been changed.