Coping with a narcissistic boss: who will break first?

At 2 a.m., after her third coffee, the media company employee hurries to revise her article to meet the deadline.

"If the work isn't done by 6 a.m., my boss loses it and lashes out at me," she says.

Her boss, a woman aged around 50, is quick-tempered and constantly demands that her staff work overtime. Whenever a product launch event comes around, she bombards Hoai with messages and calls, urging her to work faster.

"If I don’t respond or delay slightly, she keeps calling until I pick up, then vents her anger on me," Hoai says.

She frequently endures comments like "you lack critical thinking," "you graduated with honors but are shallow," "slow," and "useless." These have slowly eroded Hoai's confidence, making her feel unworthy of her position. She is scared to quit since she needs the money to raise her child and pay off debts, but the constant criticism has taken a toll and she suffers from severe anxiety.

Her heart races, and she breaks out in a cold sweat whenever her boss sends a message. Often she lies awake in fear at night, slipping into a state of disoriented sleep, mumbling incoherently. Her energy for work and even very will to live have plummeted.

Nguyen Thi Huong Lan, a consultant at the BHIU Training Institute and a psychologist at the Vietnam Happiness Academy, has diagnosed Hoai with depression and advised her to seek psychiatric care.

Many young people like Hoai have to cope with such controlling bosses without knowing how to push back.

Huy, 25, faced similar pressure and eventually resigned when he develops symptoms of anxiety disorder. He describes his boss as arrogant, dismissive of employees, and struggling to control their emotions, often believing they are more important than others and demanding special treatment from staff.

"Even a minor mistake evokes intense scolding and humiliation."

One time, when he gave feedback, his boss immediately pushed back and reprimanded him with a threatening response. From then on Huy has been submissive, avoiding confrontation. He developed anxiety symptoms such as sweating and heightened heartbeat, and even engaged in self-harm to ease the tension.

Many employees endure scolding form their bosses, leading to depression and anxiety disorders. Illustration photo by Unsplash

According to Lan, workplace stress caused by job pressures and poor leadership is common in many offices. It often stems from the hierarchical relationship between bosses and staff, which can feel more like a master-servant dynamic. Bosses have the power to manage, evaluate, reward, and punish their employees, causing many to feel anxious and afraid. Factors such as age difference, qualification and experience also create barriers.

But working under narcissistic bosses could take things to a whole new level. Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by excessive love of oneself and a lack of empathy for others.

Amy Morin, a psychology lecturer at Northeastern University in the U.S., notes that narcissistic bosses tend to hurt others and turn their employees' lives into nightmares.

Lan explains: "Like the two bosses described, narcissistic leaders believe they are superior to others, are delusional about their power, and show contempt and disrespect for their employees, always putting their own feelings first and undermining those around them."

Dr Tran Thi Hong Thu, deputy director of Mai Huong Daycare Psychiatric Hospital in Hanoi, says narcissism often develops due to environmental factors besides cultural and psychological issues. People with this disorder typically exhibit arrogance, believe they are always right, lack empathy, and are quick to belittle and insult others, even over minor issues.

Narcissistic bosses create intense pressure, leading to unrelenting stress for their employees. When this stress becomes repetitive and prolonged without relief, it can result in mental health issues such as anxiety disorders, depression, mania, and even physical illnesses. Experts advise that when working with narcissistic bosses, employees should set clear boundaries to protect themselves.

"This means identifying limits you cannot accept and ensuring your boss does not cross those boundaries," Thu says.

"If you find yourself unable to handle the situation alone, seeking help from a psychological professional is essential. Furthermore, if the job is not a good fit, if you find yourself lacking the ability to meet its demands, or if your boss's behavior becomes unbearable, it might be time to consider a new direction.

"The key is to focus on developing your skills and competence.

"When you have knowledge, skills and confidence, you can take control of your job and life without fearing your boss or unemployment."