My husband and mother-in-law are making my life unbearable

My mother-in-law has long had a notorious reputation in her village for being difficult. She frequently argued with neighbors and relatives, to the point where many avoided interacting with her. She is selfish and indifferent even with her own children and grandchildren, always focusing on herself and speaking as though she is superior to everyone. She fabricates stories to portray herself as kind and virtuous, but people quickly grow tired of her company and even her own daughter admits she cannot live with her. My brother-in-law’s wife, who was offered land near the family home, chose instead to borrow money to buy land farther away just to avoid being close to her.

When I married into the family, my mother-in-law was in her 60s. She was still in good health when I gave birth to my first two children, but she showed no interest in them. During my postpartum confinement, she never once prepared a meal for me or helped my mother, who had come to care for me and the children, with any household chores. Instead, she demanded her two sons pool their money to buy her a shop in the local market, where she spent her days lying in a hammock, telling others she was there to "rest" and didn’t care about making a profit because her sons would provide for her.

Despite her lack of help, both my and my brother-in-law’s families were always expected to contribute financially when she needed. Every month, we had to give her allowances as well. Even when we were going through tough times—like the year we spent VND10 million (US$402) to renovate her house before the Tet Lunar New Year and could only give her VND1 million as a Tet gift—she complained and sulked.

Despite everything she receives from her children, if she brings vegetables to our house, she still expects to be paid for them. If we borrow rice from her, we must repay it the next day, even though she regularly eats meals at our house. People often say that her two sons spoil her, making her overly reliant on them and disrespectful towards her daughters-in-law.

My brother-in-law’s wife and I, knowing how selfish she is, hired help to care for our children. When the helpers were unavailable, we relied on our own mothers to care for them while we worked. If we asked my mother-in-law to watch the kids when they were sick, she would only help for one day. If they were still sick the next day, she would insist they go back to school.

My mother-in-law owns a piece of land near her current home, but it’s in a rural area far from the center. When we built our house, the land was worth less than VND200 million. She initially wanted to give the land to my brother-in-law’s family, but since they refused to relocate near her, my husband suggested that we move there to be close to his mother, thinking it would save us from buying land elsewhere. At the time, I believed that if I lived sincerely and kindly, I could win her over. I thought living nearby would help strengthen our bond, and we could rely on each other.

I grew up in a loving, kind, and virtuous family. I’m not boasting, but when I was young, many families in the village wanted me as their daughter-in-law. I was known for being well-behaved, studious, hardworking, and kind-hearted, just like my parents.

My parents were aware of my mother-in-law’s difficult personality and worried I would face many injustices living near her due to her selfishness. They always encouraged me, reminding me that no matter how difficult she was, she was still my mother-in-law. They told me to let her do as she pleased, and if she said things that upset me, I should pretend to be deaf and mute. They urged me to live rightly and kindly for the sake of my children and the harmony of my marriage. Even though I sometimes felt hurt, I lived fairly, treating both my family and my husband’s family equally.

Living near my mother-in-law is like living with her. She spends her days at home watching TV and cooking only for herself, all while constantly complaining and exaggerating her hardships. Whenever she sees my husband, she claims she can’t eat anything and only consumes cold leftovers. Yet, she eats well and goes to the market every morning to buy fresh food. Even her daughter, who stays with her for a month each year, and the neighbors confirm this.

Hearing her complaints, my husband pities her and insists she join us for dinner every night, urging her to eat more. I don’t mind sharing food, and I would be happy if she had a healthy appetite, but it frustrates me when she sits at our table every day, complaining about how tired she is and making hurtful comments, such as implying she’s eating her son’s food, not mine or her grandchildren’s.

Now that land prices have risen, she constantly hints that we should give her more money since the value of the piece we got from her has increased. Having to listen to this daily has become unbearable. When I gently bring up my frustrations with my husband, he accuses me of being disrespectful, unfilial, and stingy, saying I resent his mother for eating at our house. Sometimes, he even hits me.

Recently, my mother-in-law developed joint pain, which makes her complain constantly. She also has diabetes but refuses to follow dietary restrictions, often drinking energy drinks and sodas, which worsens her condition. My husband, feeling sorry for her, now insists she move in with us.

We have three children: two boys, aged nine and eight, who are full of energy and come home from school in the afternoon, and a 16-month-old daughter who requires the attention of a hired nanny. My husband and I both work all day, and the nanny is already exhausted caring for the three children. When I told my husband the nanny would quit if his mother moved in, he dismissed my concerns.

Six months ago, after my mother-in-law’s heart surgery, she stayed with us for a few months. Now, I suggested she stay at my brother-in-law’s house for a while, as our home is too chaotic with young children. In response, my husband swore at me and even became physically violent. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door while he threw cups and glasses at me, shouting that this is his family’s land and I have no right to stop his mother from living with us.

My own mother has always been deeply devoted to our family, caring for all her grandchildren, raising chickens and farming rice to send us food. We live 40 kilometers from my mother’s house and own a car, yet my husband rarely visits. When he does, it’s reluctantly, and he demands to leave soon after. Sometimes, I take the children to visit on my own. There have been times when three months go by without him visiting or even calling to check on my mother, even when she was hospitalized.

In contrast, he becomes anxious if he hasn’t seen his mother for two days, constantly worrying about her well-being. When she feels even slightly unwell and needs an IV drip, he berates me for not preparing meals for her or taking care of her, accusing me of being disrespectful and warning that my future daughter-in-law will treat me the same way.

I also worry about the impact this violent environment will have on our children as they grow up. Even our hired nannies are afraid of my husband. We are both university graduates, well-educated, yet my husband’s blind devotion to his mother is tearing our family apart.

What should I do?