The silent wounds parental favoritism inflicts

At 34, despite being a mother of two, the void left by her parents' lack of affection still lingers. She grew up in a family with four daughters including an older sister, five years her senior, and twin sisters two years her junior.

Her childhood was marked by hand-me-downs. She wore her older sister's clothes, rode her bike and used her computer. Her siblings were given priority for tuition payments, leaving her to plead with her teachers for a delay in paying her own.

When her sisters misbehaved, their mother would only scold them. "But whenever I made a mistake, I had to hold out my palms for a beating," the Nam Dinh native recalls.

Whenever there was a special meal, her mother reserved it for her younger siblings, reasoning that they were still little, and older sister, who needed strength to cycle long distances to school.

Thu Ha at a coffee shop in May, 2017. Photo provided by Thu Ha

Thanh Nam, an 18-year-old in Hanoi, feels his parents have always favored his younger sister while imposing strict rules on him.

He recalls being expected to wake up on time, eat on schedule and adhere to strict routines. Even a one-minute delay would result in harsh scolding. Meanwhile, his younger sister was allowed to sleep in and was carried from bed like a doll to the breakfast table.

His parents constantly praised her intelligence, singing and dancing skills, while ignoring his achievements. When he was sick or tired, his parents never comforted him. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm adopted," he says.

Stories like those of Ha and Nam are not uncommon. A survey by VnExpress found 61% of respondents had suffered from parental favoritism, with 29% saying it happened frequently and 32% saying it depended on the circumstances.

A study by Cornell University (New York, U.S.) of mothers aged 60-70 and their children found that 70% of mothers could name a child they felt closest to. Only 15% of the children believed they were treated equally.

Dr Pham Thi Thuy, a sociologist and psychotherapist at the National Academy of Public Administration in HCMC, says there could be many reasons for parental favoritism.

Sometimes it stems from a gender bias such as a traditional preference for boys over girls, but it can also arise from gender-based expectations. Parents expect daughters to be gentle and sons to be strong and assertive, and when children do not meet these expectations, parents may show bias, leaving the children feeling discriminated against.

Some children naturally form better relationships with their parents, while others, who may be more rebellious, strong-willed or argumentative, receive less affection. In some cases, if grandparents favor one grandchild, parents may unconsciously compensate by favoring another.

Hanoi psychologist Hoang Hai Van says economic struggles can also influence parental behavior, as seen in Ha's family. In families facing financial hardship, parents often allocate resources to the child they believe has the greatest potential for success. As the children grow older, favoritism may persist toward the more successful child who can offer financial support to the parents.

Marital stress can lead to uneven attention given to children.

Sociologists have found that birth order can affect how parents treat their children. A U.K. survey of 1,000 parents found that more than half favored the youngest child, while over a quarter preferred the eldest. Middle children were the least doted upon.

Hong Ha, a 22-year-old from HCMC, considers herself a classic middle child. Every year her parents would hold lavish birthday parties for her older sister and younger brother, but they always forgot hers. "I used to wish someone in the family would remember, even just to say happy birthday," she says.

When she was in 10th grade she discovered her father’s infidelity. She told her mother and older sister, but from that point on her parents only focused on arguing with each other, venting their frustration on her as if blaming her for their problems.

During her older sister’s high school graduation exams, her parents took care of her every need, from meals to transportation. But when it was her turn, she had to manage everything by herself. During Tet (Lunar New Year) her older sister would go out with their mother and her younger brother would accompany their father to relatives’ houses, but she would be left to guard the house.

"I used to cut my arms, bite my tongue, choke myself, or bang my head on the wall, but my mother would just walk away in silence."

The emotional scars from favoritism can lead to loss of self-esteem and difficulties in building relationships, psychotherapist Thuy says. "Favoritism also triggers conflict between parents and children, as well as among siblings."

As an adult, she has become someone who is "afraid of everything." She constantly worries about being criticized or disliked. Whenever she feels anxious, she has nightmares of her bruised hands from her mother’s beatings.

Psychologist Van warns that children who experience favoritism are more likely to rebel during adolescence, resorting to vices or early sexual activity to escape negative emotions or seek acceptance.

Nam fell in love and had his first sexual experience at 14 with his girlfriend who was four years older. He admits he liked the comfort and loving words she offered. He also joined a group of delinquent students, and engaged in motorbike races and fights.

Van advises children who feel victimized by favoritism not to endure it silently but to seek help from trusted individuals or school psychologists. For those who have experienced such trauma, healing takes time and effort. The first step, according to Van, is acknowledging and accepting these feelings without judgment.

Mindfulness practices, psychological counseling or joining therapy groups with other people who have had similar experiences can provide support and coping strategies, she says. She recommends setting life goals and staying engaged in positive activities to overcome the trauma of the past.

"Consider reconciling with your parents. Opening your heart to forgiveness can heal not only the relationship but also your emotional wounds."

The emotional scars have left Ha unwilling to love or consider marriage. However, she has a fondness for children and plans to adopt "one or two kids and love them equally."