How fear of infidelity ruins marriages

By Pham Nga   October 2, 2024 | 06:45 am PT
Once when Trang’s husband went on a business trip to Da Lat, the cafe in his office building closed, leading her to suspect its owner was traveling with him.

The 34-year-old woman from HCMC was consumed with anger at the thought and wanted to catch the two in the act.

Her husband answered her call during a meeting with business partners, and she screamed: "Are you sleeping with that woman?"

He abruptly hung up, and her fury intensified, convinced he was being unfaithful.

A few days later, when he returned home, she relentlessly interrogated him and checked his phone for evidence. "You’re crazy. How could you think I’m having an affair with her?" he yelled, exasperated.

After finding no proof of infidelity, she went to the coffee shop the next day to "warn" the owner.

The owner took security footage of the incident and sent it directly to Trang’s husband. Embarrassed by his wife’s reckless behavior, he scolded her and began sleeping in a separate room, further fueling her paranoia. "I felt like a thief, sneaking around to check his phone, looking for deleted or hidden messages," she recalls.

For many nights, she cried silently, convinced she had been betrayed. Seeing this, her husband tried to comfort her, but she interpreted his kindness as a sign of guilt and continued her relentless questioning. "It was a vicious cycle. I tormented both myself and him," she says.

Thu Trang ở một công viên tại Hà Nội, cuối năm 2023. Ảnh nhân vật cung cấp

Thu Trang at a park during a trip at the end of 2023. Photo courtesy of Thu Trang

Quoc Tung, 30, of Binh Phuoc Province, was suspicious of his wife, Minh Phuong, frequently tracking her phone location to see where she went.

When she attended an event at a hotel, he immediately video-called her, only to end the call quickly after seeing she was in a conference room. "I can’t help but worry with such a beautiful wife," he would often say when his wife grew frustrated. He says he was genuinely anxious whenever his wife went out. "If men compliment her looks in front of me, who knows what they say behind my back?".

Last year the couple divorced after constant heated arguments. His wife said she could no longer live with someone consumed by irrational jealousy. To him, this only confirmed his belief that his suspicions were valid. Filled with resentment, he lashed out at his wife with harsh words.

After the divorce, he secretly followed her for some time, only to realize she remained alone. One day he broke down in tears after tracking her for an entire day, seeing her swamped with work and juggling it with care of their children. After that he texted her, contrite and seeking reconciliation, but she replied: "I’ve never been as happy and free as I am now."

Living in a state of insecurity, constantly worrying about a partner’s infidelity without evidence, is common for many people. A VnExpress survey of nearly 1,000 readers found 31% admitting they had been unjustly accused of infidelity by their spouse and 29% were currently enduring such accusations.

Nguyen Thi Tam, a psychologist with 20 years of experience in marriage and family counseling in HCMC, says those who suffer the most from baseless jealousy are the ones feeling it. "Jealousy drains them first, leading to sleepless nights. When they act rashly, their partner then suffers the consequences."

When jealousy becomes irrational, the spouse often distances themselves, leaving the jealous person feeling isolated and in a crisis of trust.

A 2018 study titled "Factors Influencing Divorce in Vietnam" revealed that when jealousy-related conflicts occur frequently, the divorce rate is 10%. If such conflicts are rare or non-existent, the rate drops to just 1.1%.

According to Tam, irrational jealousy can stem from past traumas, fears of betrayal or witnessing unfaithfulness by people close to them.

Trang did not realize this until her husband suggested psychological therapy. "At first I refused, but he said if I did not go he could not stay with me any longer and would divorce me," she says. During therapy, she revealed that her father had been unfaithful, and her mother’s bitterness had ingrained the belief in her that "all men are cheaters." As a result she always assumed her husband would cheat on her one day, she told the therapist.

Early in their marriage, when they spent most of their time together at home, her fears were suppressed. But as her husband became busier with his company and she stayed at home caring for their children, her anxieties resurfaced.

Ảnh minh họa: News

A couple seeking therapy. Illustration by Pexels

According to Tam, people with possessive tendencies and a lack of empathy are more prone to irrational jealousy. "They are always afraid of losing something. It’s like someone who fears theft – they become suspicious of everyone."

Family psychologist Hong Huong suggests that while jealousy might seem irrational to outsiders, it can be justified for the person experiencing it. "It is possible that a distant, indifferent partner has created the conditions that lead to feelings of jealousy." She adds that self-esteem issues can also fuel anxiety and suspicion.

Tung never showed signs of jealousy until the Covid-19 pandemic left him unemployed and financially unstable. He used to work in the tourism industry, earning twice as much as his wife and traveling frequently for work.

But after the pandemic, their roles reversed. His wife began buying more clothes and cosmetics and receiving calls and messages from unknown contacts. Although there was no evidence of infidelity, he felt the need to control her movements out of fear of losing her. "Now I’ve truly lost her," he says.

Trang, however, was fortunate to save her marriage, thanks to her husband recognizing the root of the problem. After hearing the psychologist explain that her father and husband were separate entities and that her fears stemmed from herself, not her husband, she felt more at ease.

The psychologist also advised her husband to spend more time with her to rekindle their connection and rebuild trust. With his cooperation, they managed to save their marriage.

As for Tung, he has not given up hope, knowing his ex-wife is still single. He is working on rebuilding his career and regaining his confidence, hoping to win her back.

*Names have been changed.

 
 
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