My mother-in-law forbids overnight stays at my parents’ house

My husband and I have three children, and although our parents live near each other in our hometown, we’ve built our lives from scratch in Hanoi. We now own a home and a car, and while we’re not wealthy, we aren’t struggling either. I handle our daily expenses, including our children’s education, with my income, while my husband’s earnings go into savings. Our financial management is transparent and effective.

Every year during the Tet Lunar New Year, I am required to stay and celebrate with my in-laws. Once, on the second day of Tet, after lunch at my in-laws’ and visits to my husband’s relatives until late afternoon, I briefly visited my parents for dinner. However, I had to return to my in-laws’ to help prepare for the arrival of my mother-in-law’s siblings the next day. Attempts to visit my parents more often have been met with snide remarks from my mother-in-law.

My upbringing emphasized prioritizing my husband’s family, and initially, I did everything to be accepted by them. Over time, however, I only felt disdain and discomfort, leading me to challenge this dynamic. My first confrontation with my mother-in-law was when she insisted I stay at her house after giving birth to our first child. Since the birth of our second child, I have been more assertive, not returning to my in-laws’ after confrontations.

The most recent conflict arose when my mother-in-law demanded I seek her permission before leaving her house. Now, I simply inform her of my plans without seeking approval, though she still insists I should not stay overnight at my parents’. As another Tet approaches, I desire to spend a night at my parents’ during the holiday, anticipating opposition from my mother-in-law and even hesitancy from my own mother about whether I have permission.

Due to these restrictions, my children have grown closer to their paternal grandparents than to my parents. I aim to balance this by having them spend more time at my parents’ house, fostering a better relationship between them and my children, despite my mother-in-law’s disapproval.

People may think I exaggerate my difficulties with my mother-in-law, but even my husband acknowledges her challenging nature, a sentiment echoed by his relatives and neighbors. I’m trying to influence my husband to support staying overnight at my parents’ more firmly. Although he agrees, I worry about his ability to stand up to his mother if she resists.

I’ve never sought financial gain from my in-laws and have declined their offers, except once when we needed help due to a bank loan for our house. Even then, I repaid them fully. Perhaps recognizing my independence, my mother-in-law has somewhat softened her stance, yet she still harbors resentment towards me.

How can I improve my relationship with my mother-in-law?