My mother-in-law makes our family life toxic

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have two daughters. Despite our efforts to have a son, it hasn’t happened yet. Both our families and we have lived in the U.S. for over 20 years. We both work for the U.S. government, earning stable salaries and investing for retirement.

My husband’s family, which includes six children all employed by the government, lives just a 10-minute drive away. I have severed ties with my in-laws, and my husband has begun to distance himself as well. Their presence has introduced toxicity into our lives.

Reflecting on my life over a decade ago, I was a university student living near campus, dealing with my parents’ separation and struggling alongside my brother, balancing work and study. Before meeting my husband, I had dated a few men, but those relationships led nowhere. Meeting him, I found him gentle and decided to move forward as his family was also based in the U.S. I became pregnant and we married quickly.

After our wedding, I moved in with my in-laws. At that time, I was still a student and working part-time, so affording our own place was impossible. My mother-in-law always preferred her eldest son’s wife, who did little for the family. Sometimes, when the eldest brother and his wife visited, she wouldn’t help or even attend, while I served them.

My relationship with my father-in-law is no better. I distinctly remember an incident when I was late for a church appointment. My father-in-law reprimanded me, and as my husband defended me, he was slapped twice by his father.

After three years, with savings, loans, and wedding gifts, we managed to buy a condo on installment. We moved out with our children. I’m grateful to my in-laws for not taking any money, allowing me to focus on my studies and job search after graduating.

As for my parents, my father, who has not worked for 20 years, shuttles between Vietnam and the U.S., his expenses covered by my brother and me. My brother, married, lives with his wife a few hours away. My mother, earning a low wage insufficient for rent, gas, and food, receives my support, which my husband accepts. We have no secret funds and share all expenses.

Five years ago, my father moved back to Vietnam, claiming he could manage his expenses. Last year, he reversed his decision, and my husband and I sponsored his U.S. visa. Now 60, my father’s frequent financial requests for medical and travel expenses sometimes cause arguments between my husband and me, though my husband eventually agreed to help my parents.

Concerning my in-laws, they have stable jobs now, so they don’t need our help. We stopped inviting them out two years ago when they pressured me to bond with my husband’s brothers’ wives, whom I found sly and insincere. Since then, I’ve limited contact with them.

I discussed this with my brother and his wife, who suggested I sometimes compromise for family harmony. She believes I should do this for my husband, who has supported my parents for years. She implies I am stubborn, but I’ve never stopped my husband from visiting his parents. I let him take our children to see them on weekends, as well, it’s him who chooses not to go without me. If he is dissatisfied with my in-laws, it’s understandable why a daughter-in-law like me would feel the same. I refuse to compromise with my husband’s family, content to live this way indefinitely.

Relatives claim my husband fears me, accusing me of dividing his family. My mother-in-law spreads rumors that I manipulate my husband and am a dreadful person. I am unfazed, and my husband has blocked his parents and relatives on social media. Now, everyone on my husband’s side despises me, but it doesn’t matter. I live honestly, and at year’s end, I ask my husband to visit my brother with me. When relatives comment on my husband’s dedication to my family, asking about my reciprocity, I simply say: "Each person has their own luck, each family manages their own affairs."

As my father will soon return to the U.S., we’ve decided that he will live with me and my husband as before. So, am I an unreasonable person as my mother-in-law claims? Should we move our family away from the toxic in-laws, especially since my husband fully agrees?