Turning 40 with $76,000 in home loans, I want to leave city life for the countryside

I turn 40 this year, with a wife and two young children, living in a Hanoi apartment we bought five years ago. When I signed the loan contract, I believed it marked a new chapter of stability, a true home for my family after nearly a decade of struggling.

But now, every time I open the banking app and see the remaining VND2 billion in principal and interest, my heart sinks.

I work an office job and earn about VND30 million a month, a figure that once made my family proud. After the pandemic, though, the company restructured, cut benefits, raised key performance indicators and demanded that employees be "more flexible," meaning more work and more responsibility but with the same pay.

The older I get, the more insecure I feel about my position. At 40, I no longer have the drive I had at 30.

Back then, I could stay up all night working on a project and then show up smiling for client meetings the next morning. I used to take my wife and kids out on weekends but now I just want a day of proper sleep, a chance to switch off my phone without worrying about emails or work messages. I used to be able to sit in front of the screen for 10 straight hours; these days, my mind is already spinning by late afternoon.

Meanwhile, my boss is five years younger than me, always energetic and ready to work through the night to deliver projects.

I know I am entering my middle age, when employees are often pushed aside. No one says it directly, but I can sense my younger colleagues and managers quietly judging me whenever I use my paid time off to take my children to a doctor’s appointment.

Returning to my hometown has been on my mind for months. My hometown is Nam Dinh Province, some 80 kilometers south of Hanoi, where my elderly parents are residing. We have an old family land lot with a small house there.

If I sold my Hanoi apartment, I could clear the loan and still have a little left to start over in the countryside. Life is cheaper there and there is no smog, no traffic jams and no need to wake up at 6 a.m. to drop off my children before racing to work. I could raise chickens, grow vegetables, open a small coffee shop or convenience store, or simply live at a slower pace.

But I hesitate every time I think of my two children. They are attending a good primary school with plenty of opportunities for learning, socializing and developing skills. My wife works as an accountant for a private company, a demanding but stable job. We both know that staying in the city is the more reasonable choice for our kids’ future.

Still, I feel myself slowly burning out from the pressure from work, finances and the need to appear successful in the eyes of society keeps me awake at night. Sometimes I wake up and find myself shedding a tear as I look at my sleeping wife and children.

I ask myself what I am fighting for. For the 80 square-meter apartment under mortgage? For a job that could vanish in the next downsizing? Or for a dream of security that only makes me more insecure each day?

An old friend of mine, once a manager at a major company, already left the city for good. He now raises fish, grows plants and sells local specialties online. His life seems modest but peaceful.

I asked whether he regrets it. He smiled and said: "Of course I do, but if I had not stopped, I would have burned out." His reply has haunted me ever since.

I do not know what the future holds. Maybe I will keep pushing for a few more years to pay off the debt and at least have the freedom to return home out of choice rather than desperation. But I also know that if I cannot find balance soon, I may collapse under the pressure even before my firm has the chance to fire me.

I am still not brave enough to leave the city behind, but every morning in the crowded rush to work, I find myself wishing for a day where I can live slowly and gently, without debt or the fear of falling behind weighing on me.

*This opinion was submitted by a reader. Readers’ views are personal and do not necessarily match VnExpress’ viewpoints.